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Healing from child abuse Personal Development Self help techniques Uncategorized

How do you free yourself from fear?

Hi everyone, here’s a video looking at how do you free yourself from fear. I hope you find it useful. Many blessings to you, Jodi-Anne

In this video, Jodi-Anne explores ‘How do you free yourself from fear?’ It is one of over 100 questions she has asked about life and channelled an answer through automatic writing. All of these answers to questions about life, how to live peacefully and happily are available for free on the ‘Life Insights’ page of her website.

Jodi-Anne is a wellbeing educator and healing facilitator who shares information via her videos, website, workshops, online courses, books and through individual appointments. To learn more visit http://www.jodiannemsmith.com/

Categories
Healing from child abuse Personal Development

How do you heal from emotional abuse?

This short video explores the impacts of emotional abuse and what is required to heal from it. I hope you find it useful. Many blessings, Jodi-Anne

Categories
Healing from child abuse Personal Development

How do you move through depression and find peace?

This short video explores how to move through depression and find peace. It looks at why it can be so hard and ways to support yourself as you heal and find peace. I hope you find it useful. Many blessings, Jodi-Anne

Categories
Personal Development Self help techniques

Why is joy so fleeting?

Here’s a video blog looking at why joy is so fleeting and ways to be able to feel joy more often. Enjoy!

Categories
Healing from child abuse Personal Development Self help techniques Uncategorized

How do you stay balanced and grounded during tumultuous times?

When unexpected events occur it shakes your foundations, your normal way of being. If you feel uncertain, unsafe or scared then your nervous system will react with either fight, flight or freeze responses.

People who get angry at what is occurring, who rage that more should be done are having a ‘fight’ reaction. The adrenaline and cortisol pumping through their veins fuels an aggressive reaction.

There may not be an enemy that can be fought. In this case, you can’t fight the Corona Virus in the traditional sense. It doesn’t have have a physical body for you to face up to, seething and threaten it and go several rounds in the boxing ring.

This is what those in a fight response are ultimately wanting to do because the act of fighting uses up the adrenaline and cortisol enabling them to calm back down, for their nervous system to regulate.

Without the fight, the cortisol and adrenaline stay in their blood and gets stored in the body as tension, tightening of muscles, clenching of the jaw, etc.

It takes emotional awareness to notice what is occurring and to take action to self-soothe, rather than lash out at others with the upset that you have. Be aware many people may behave in ways they normally wouldn’t as they are in ‘survival’ mode, feeling unsafe and a need to protect themself and their family. To some, it may literally feel life-threatening, so their behaviours may be extreme.

Those who react with a ‘flight’ response will want to run away to escape the danger. They will find it hard to be still and being locked in their home may feel stifling and like being in prison.

The cortisol and adrenaline in their system are priming their muscles to run, run, run, so it’s almost impossible for them to meditate, relax, deep breathe, be still and enjoy the chance to rest and strengthen up. The flight reaction of their nervous system is telling them it is not safe to relax and enjoy the time at home.

Even though they may consciously want to relax, they can’t. The reason for this is that the ‘survival’ mechanism is a different part of the brain, the hindbrain, that takes over when we’re in a fight, flight or freeze response. The neocortex or rational thinking part of the brain gets suppressed.

Evolution wise this made sense. When a lion is about to attack you it doesn’t help you to be able to talk to it or to think slowly through all your options, the pros and cons of each, to decide what to do. You need to react instinctively and quickly in the face of danger, and that is what the limbic system does. That’s why it is so hard to think clearly and express yourself if you’re in a heightened nervous system reaction with high levels of a fight, flight or freeze response occurring.

Those people that have a ‘freeze’ reaction are instinctively hiding and holding still, hoping that the lion won’t see them. They hold their breath, breathe shallowly and slow down their internal bodily reactions, coming to a place of panicked stillness in the hope that they won’t be seen.

They may dissociate from their body, literally escape it by focusing elsewhere in their mind, off in daydreams or splitting off part fo their consciousness.

They literally jump out of their body, like energetically floating above it. This is the out of body experience people can have during a near-death experience. They see their body from the perspective of being outside of it. They’ve been so scared, so terrified of death, they’ve jumped out of their skin.

This too is part of the ‘survival’ mechanism. If the lion was about to eat you, you don’t want to be fully conscious in your body and feel it, so you jump out. The body also gets pumped full of opioids which numb you, so you don’t feel yourself being eaten or killed.

That’s why some people will seem numb, not fully present, not with you when you try to talk to them. They’re not. They’ve escaped. This can be dangerous as someone who is dissociated from their body can be accident-prone. They’re not paying close attention to what they do. It takes them longer to notice that they’re touching the hot kettle and it’s hurting them.

They may be forgetful. If you are dealing with someone who has dissociated, numbed out, know it’s not that they don’t care. They have switched off out of panic, out of terror, feeling like death is imminent. We need to help such a person to reconnect with their body, to bring them back to the present moment gently, compassionately.

Don’t expect too much of them or ask them to do anything complex. They simply can’t. Until they calm back down they can’t concentrate and be responsible for others. This is where compassion and understanding can help prevent any judgements, arguments and accusations. When you know what is occurring you can adjust your expectations to help the person to recentre, to come back into their body.

Looking them in the eyes, holding their hands or feet, talking to them softly, this will gently invite them back into connection with their body. Standing on the grass with bare feet will help them to ground. Touching things, smelling things, tasting things – reengaging the senses will help bring them back. There’s a lot you can do to assist such a person.

Essential oils can be very calming and again help you to connect back to the present moment. The olfactory bulb is connected directly to the limbic system, the emotional part of the brain, so smells quickly alter how we are feeling emotionally. Within seconds a comforting smell can result in a little or a lot of relaxation.

Gentle movement can help a person who is coming out of a freeze response. Whether that be yoga, tai chi, qi gong. You don’t want to do heavy aerobic exercise as that ramps the body up. You want to do gentle, calming exercise so the person feels safer.

One process that can help with all of these reactions – fight, flight and freeze – is Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE). It is a series of gentle exercises designed to start the body’s automatic stress, tension and trauma release process.

The body has a built-in mechanism to ‘shake off’ tension, stress and trauma. The shaking uses up the adrenaline and cortisol from the fight, flight, freeze reactions and it enables the body to calm back down, to drop out of a parasympathetic freeze reaction or a sympathetic fight or flight state, to the calm parasympathetic state where we can connect and relate to others.

Graph depicting reactions that occur as arousal from stress, tension and/or trauma increase within the body and how movement can help discharge the arousal, returning us down the curve to a calm, relaxed state. Used with permission from: Richmond Heath, TRE Australia, https://treaustralia.com.au/

It’s a natural process available to all of us. If you would like to know more about TRE you can visit my TRE webpage, the TRE Australia website or the global TRE website.

I can teach individuals TRE as part of an online appointment or an in-person appointment. You can then use it to help your body calm and relax whenever you need to. It’s a great self-care tool that not only helps you to come out of a heightened nervous system state but also helps you to open up and expand.

When your nervous system calms, it no longer sends your brain signals that you’re in danger, so the mind relaxes too, and the defensive mechanisms that you’ve used to protect yourself start to soften. They start to loosen up so it’s easier for you to choose to think and behave differently than you’ve always done. You’re no longer fighting against yourself so much.

When we’re in a defended state we may consciously want to change or start a hobby or change our life, but internally our body resists it, subconsciously thinking and reacting as if the change is a threat and should be avoided, hence the resistance and difficulty taking action.

When your nervous system is relaxed and calm, and your body is feeling safer, you don’t have so much resistance. your body actually wants to connect with others and enjoy life.

It is my hope that this blog helps you to understand the various reactions that those around you may be having during this challenging moment in time with the Corona Virus. It’s not that people are cold, callous, uncaring of others. They’re just reacting in survival, feeling a need to compete with others in order to survive. They want the toilet paper, food, etc to ensure they and their loved ones are okay. This is part of our primal, instinctive reactions when we’re in a fight, flight, freeze reaction.

With empathy and compassion, we can help each other to calm, to do the best we can through all of this. Try not to take people’s reactions personally and do what you can to help yourself and others to balance up, stay grounded and enjoy these times as much as we can. Blessings to all. Namaste.

By Jodi-Anne (28 March 2020).

  • Further free guidance on healing techniques and self-love are available on the Life Insights and Healing from child abuse pages of this website.
  • If you found this blog useful you may wish to consider purchasing a copy of Jodi-Anne’s book ‘Advice from a higher Source’ which contains 85 answers to questions about life. The paperback book or ebook can be purchased online at – http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/JMS2011. (Once you have clicked into view the description of the book, go to the top of the page and choose the flag symbol for your country, this will show you the price in your currency and enable you to purchase it in that currency)
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Conscious Evolution Personal Development Relationships

How to know when leaving is your best option?

Many of you on the healing path are committed to loving fully. You do your best to love unconditionally and to accept those around you as they are.

You try to ignore when people behave in less than ideal ways and love them through it, knowing they only lash out, shut down, are moody, or whatever it is, because they are hurting inside.

You know love heals all things so you shine, shine, shine your love at the person hoping it will help them shift out of their stuckness, back to happiness. This is honourable, but you shouldn’t keep doing it to your own detriment.

Each individual has to feel their emotional pain into completion. They have to make the effort to go within, feel it, embrace their younger selves who are hurting, help free them from the pain, and welcome them into their heart. No amount of your love can do that for them.

The individual has to do the work to heal. If they don’t all that you are doing is lifting them up slightly, but they’re going to fall back down again. They have to, in order to go into their pain and process it.

Life will keep bringing them challenging situations to get them to feel, heal and release the past. If they try to avoid it, or blame others or their circumstances, they are just prolonging the misery.

We know you want to help them through it, but you can’t do it for them. By staying all you are doing is exhausting yourself, and having your vibration lowered by their dense energy and moods.

Yes, the other is an innocent soul that is hurting. That’s true. We understand you want to look after them, help them, care for them. But if they’re not looking after themselves, not honouring who they are and making the effort to heal, then you’re wasting your time.

You are better off to leave, let your vibration rise higher and shine your light wherever you go, knowing it benefits all. And those who want to heal, who want to go within and do the work to free themselves – they will uplift you, inspire you and cheer you up as they progress.

You benefit from helping them as it fills you with joy to see their progress, to see them getting happier and more fulfilled. It’s a win-win situation, where both are benefitting.

You don’t have to stay connected to people whose energy or behaviour drains you. You owe it to yourself and to those you work with to leave, so you can shine more brightly for all.

The person may struggle and drop further into pain if you leave, but that’s not your fault or your responsibility. It’s actually your gift to them, as it will help them feel and release their pain. It may be the catalyst they need to help them move forward.

So trust your inner guidance. Trust the Universe to look after the other if you go. Trust that everything happens for the benefit of both parties. Trust you will be led forth to your next adventure, to the next scenario to deepen your growth, as will the other.

Don’t hold yourself in pain out of love and loyalty. Sometimes it is meant to end. You are meant to go. You know the truth of this in your heart. You are just finding the courage to hear it, accept it, and act upon it. Blessed BE. Honour yourself and shine your light for the good of all.

Channelled By Jodi-Anne (8 January 2020).

  • Jodi-Anne has the ability to ask and receive answers to questions about life. The information she receives comes from Spirit, Source, God, whatever you would like to call it. She is just the conduit receiving the message. Take what reads true for you and leave the rest. Each soul has their own truth, their own values and insights. This is just one messenger and the information she has received. Blessed BE.
  • Further free guidance on healing techniques and self love are available on the Life Insights and Healing from child abuse pages of this website.
  • If you found this blog useful you may wish to consider purchasing a copy of Jodi-Anne’s book ‘Advice from a higher Source’ which contains 85 answers to questions about life. The paperback book or ebook can be purchased online at – http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/JMS2011. (Once you have clicked into view the description of the book, go to the top of the page and choose the flag symbol for your country, this will show you the price in your currency and enable you to purchase it in that currency)
Categories
Conscious Evolution Personal Development Relationships

How do you let go of someone you love?

The time comes in every relationship where you start to question whether there is potential for continued love and growth, or whether it is time to separate and expand your wings.

Sometimes the answer is obvious. If there is hurt, suffering, cruelty, abuse, or more subtly if there is disrespect, lack of love and nurturance, lack of support and care for each other. In these situations separation is warranted as the two souls are no longer energetically supporting each other to grow.

It is trickier to ascertain the ‘right’ move when there is love, respect, support and care, but it just no longer feels like a useful connection, when it feels like walking through mud or uphill. There’s nothing particularly bad or wrong, it just feels heavy instead of uplifting, joyful and celebrating life.

If your relationship feels like it is winding down, petering out, closing off, if it feels like it is closing, completing, finishing, then energetically the separation has started. Your ego is fighting against it, because it loves the person. Your situation may be safe, comfortable, known and easy, but your soul wants you to explore more, to grow, to experience new things.

When this is occurring it is tempting to fight back, to say no, to say “I love this person so much, please don’t make me leave.” But the more you resist, the more you suffer.

Your energy will take you where you need to go, and if it is away from that person, then it will occur, if that is what is most in line with your highest good.

Instead of fighting against it, celebrate what you’ve shared. Celebrate all the growth, love, joy and care that you’ve shared. Celebrate the good times, the challenging times and all that has occurred in between.

Yes, your world is changing. Yes, you are moving on and you don’t want to let go, but you will need to. Trust it is also in line for the highest good of the other person. If it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be happening. Trust that even if the other person doesn’t want to let go either, that there’s a reason for it.

Of course you want to hold on if it feels safe, comfortable, known. But there’s more out there, more growth, more situations that will help you evolve and reach your highest potential.

Sometimes staying is not the best option on a higher level, bigger picture perspective. Yes there’s love, respect, care and support, but is there a spark, an aliveness, an excitement, a joy and vitality between you? Do you light up inside when you see the person and spend time together? Do you laugh and bring out the best of each other, while also listening heart to heart to each other when feeling challenged? Are you both growing, looking within and doing your inner work? Or are you just standing still, being together, because it’s easier, less risk, less effort?

It’s perfectly okay to leave, to walk away, to separate, to let go of the known and enter the unknown. You just have to find the courage to turn around and walk away, to take one step after the other, to get used to being outside of your comfort zone and to move forward alone.

It is not wrong to leave. You are not punishing the other or rejecting them. You are simply saying goodbye as the connection no longer nourishes you, fills you up or leads to joy and happiness for you.

There’s no need to make the other person wrong, bad or deem them not good enough. No need for stories to justify what is occurring. Just accept, it simply isn’t serving you anymore and it is time to part. You can separate with love, with purity, with honesty. You can separate with excitement and joy for the new.

You are not being disloyal. You are just honouring your inner impulses which are moving you in a different direction. Each will face challenges as they open to the new and learn to be on their own again or with a new partner when the time is right. The Universe will orchestrate what each needs and look after you both.

Don’t hold on out of fear for your partner’s welfare without you. Take a deep breath and let go. Trust life to lead them forth to what they need too. Trust life to help them continue to grow and evolve too. Trust life to look after you both and relax.

If it feels inevitable, like you don’t really have a choice, then know your intuition and clarity is guiding you forward, helping you walk where you are reluctant to go. It’s okay. Surrender. Let what needs to happen occur.

You can say goodbye with love and move forward with joy. It doesn’t have to be tragic or painful or dark. Just accept what is. Let it occur naturally and easily, for it can. You are just two souls that have supported each other’s growth and now it is time to venture forth alone, in separate directions, as each grows and evolves on the path most suited for that individual.

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

So celebrate the love, the growth, the time shared together and move forward with peace in your heart, knowing all is well and much goodness will come from this change for both of you. Much goodness comes to you both as you step forward into the next phase of your life and go your separate ways.

Be gentle with yourself and the other as you go through this process. Part of you may get angry and push the person away, as that then feels easier, better, if you have a reason to go. There’s no need to create any drama or conflict. Just face facts.

“I love you, but I no longer want to be with you. I feel our lives are moving in separate directions. Thankyou for loving me and sharing the time with me, but it feels like it is coming to an end. Please let me go with love, so we can both move forward knowing we are cared for and supported in our evolution and growth. You are a beautiful human being and I wish you well. Go forth with love, with my blessing and gratitude for who you are and all we’ve shared. Goodbye and good luck with all you do”. So be it. Amen.

That is all that is needed, an honouring of what has been and a willingness to move forward into what will be. Know that you will both prosper, both love again, both be okay. Trust in this and choose peace for everything truly is okay.

It is just the crumbling of your known space, your foundations, so that something new and magnificent can rise from the ashes. Trust in your transformation and know the other will grow too. Everything that happens does so the souls involved grow and evolve.

It’s okay for you to leave, even if the other is upset, hurt, or angry. Trust God to look after them. Trust life to guide them forth. You can’t hold their hand and look after them forever. You have to let them go and grow on their own.

It’s just like letting go of your adult children when they leave home. You need to let them explore life on their own and you need to turn away to focus on your own life and fill the void that is created with the separation, with love, peace and acceptance of what is.

You will be fine. Trust in life to lead you forth. Your heart will hold your hand. You are not alone. There is great love and support showering down around you from the Universe, your Guides, ancestors, the Angels and Archangels who watch your progress and smile, as you close the door on your past, on your known life, and open to the new.

Open the door and walk through. Great goodness awaits you as you walk forward with love into the new. Know you can cope with any challenges that occur. You can breathe through any pain or emotions that arise, and you can give love, joy and support to yourself and your inner child. You can be that loving partner to yourself. You can be that for you. You are enough.

You don’t need to cling to someone who loves you if the situation no longer serves you. Let go with love and move forward courageously into the unknown, into freedom and growth. You can do it. And you will when the time is right. Blessed BE. Amen. All is well, truly it is.

Channelled By Jodi-Anne (13 August 2019).

  • Jodi-Anne has the ability to ask and receive answers to questions about life. The information she receives comes from Spirit, Source, God, whatever you would like to call it. She is just the conduit receiving the message. Take what reads true for you and leave the rest. Each soul has their own truth, their own values and insights. This is just one messenger and the information she has received. Blessed BE.
  • Further free guidance on healing techniques and self love are available on the Life Insights and Healing from child abuse pages of this website.
  • If you found this blog useful you may wish to consider purchasing a copy of Jodi-Anne’s book ‘Advice from a higher Source’ which contains 85 answers to questions about life. The paperback book or ebook can be purchased online at – http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/JMS2011. (Once you have clicked into view the description of the book, go to the top of the page and choose the flag symbol for your country, this will show you the price in your currency and enable you to purchase it in that currency)
Categories
Conscious Evolution Personal Development Relationships Uncategorized

What is the most helpful thing to say or do for someone who is dying?

cropped-chakra-banner.jpgThis is a topic many of you struggle with. Finding out that someone you love is dying soon or slowly in pain, terrifies you all. It breaks your heart open and you feel temporarily lost as the normal layers of protection over the heart are dislodged. You feel vulnerable, exposed, scared, and lost. Many want to run and hide, put the defences back in place and forget the news that shocked them.

Others want to rush to the person to comfort them, to assist them, to be with them. Some do that. Some feel so awkward not knowing what the best thing to say is or to do. They feel frozen in terror unable to decide. This is shock. It is the freeze or immobilisation state. You need to calm and soothe your body, so it can relax back into its normal state, before you can be of use to yourself or the person who is dying.

The news which is always devastating serves as a catalyst shaking up all who hear it. It gets them to question how they are living their lives.

You automatically wonder what it would be like to have received a death sentence like that yourself or for it to occur to those you hold dearest – parents, partner, or children. You try it on in a sense. You try to imagine it or feel it. You do this as you are trying to make sense of the implications, trying to understand how the other person feels and how you can help.

Do not torture yourself guessing. Simply ask. You can say to the person “I’m having difficulty accepting the news. I’m so sorry you are going through it. I wish I could change it. Please tell me if there is anything I can do that would be useful for you. I don’t mind what it is. I just want you to know I love you and I’m sorry you are going through this.”

That is the truth of the matter. Don’t burden the person with how you feel or what it has brought up for you. Try not to put on a stoic face, emotionless and soldier on through an interaction with the person. They don’t need any coldness.

They need warmth, closeness, to know they matter, that they have made a difference in your life and that they will be missed. Helping them to feel loved, seen, accepted, and cherished is the best thing you can do.

Let go of your fears and just be there, if it is appropriate for you to do so. You can offer, but accept if the person says no, that they would prefer to spend their remaining time alone, or with their family and closest friends.

You don’t have to turn up on the door step and camp out. It isn’t necessary. You don’t have to feel guilty for living your life or having fun. You don’t have to sacrifice your wellbeing. It won’t help the other to live longer.

If you do notice yourself falling into unhelpful patterns, stop, listen within, and send love to the part of you that is scared, hurting or feeling vulnerable. Talk to that part of you and comfort them.

Remind them that you’re not in trouble here. You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. And you can’t fix it. It’s not your responsibility, and it’s okay to be upset. Comfort that part of you and find peace with what is.

It’s okay to rage at the sky or God, to say how it seems unfair or you wish it was different. It’s healthy to let the emotion out. Whether its fear, anger, rage, sadness, despair, guilt for being healthy, etc. Just acknowledge what you feel inside and love those parts of you, so that you can come back into balance.

Know that in time it will be you or someone closest to you. Death happens to us all. We can’t prevent it, but we can choose to live our lives more fully, so that when death does come knocking, and it will, that we can open the door and smile saying “I’ve got no regrets. I’m ready. It’s okay you’re here.” To not fight against what is.

When it is your time, it is your time. No amount of begging, crying, bargaining will alter it. We all have an allotted amount of time here on Earth. We each have the choice of how we spend it; of how much love we share and how much good we do in the world. Do what feels right to you and celebrate your life.

Thank the person who is dying for all they have shown you, for being the catalyst for your healing and learning to love even when it’s painful.

Thank them for all you have done together and shared. Tell them your favourite memories of them and your time together. Help them to see the goodness of their life, to feel a sense of “Yes, I’ve used my time well. I have mattered. I have loved, and I’ve had some fun”.

Help them to celebrate their life so that they can ease into their transition more peacefully. Of course you can only do this if the person is willing. They may have anger, guilt, resentments, grief, etc. that they are working through. They may feel a victim, abandoned by God. They may be thinking it is unfair or refuse to even acknowledge their situation.

Some choose to soldier on living life as normally as they can, until they drop dead. Others decide to party, travel, make the most of their remaining time. Some have no choice, bedridden and in pain. We do not have control of what occurs and when. We only have a choice in how we respond to it.

Just talk to someone who is dying and accept where they are at, whatever stage of the mourning process they are in. Accept where they are at and be there as much as they want you to be. And celebrate your life, your time and your options.

Thank this beautiful person for reminding you that life is short and you need to use the time you have as wisely as you can. Thank them, love them and let them be however they choose to be. It’s their life. Their rapid process of clearing, realising, feeling, etc. as they wind down and close off from this lifetime.

Yes you can talk about what happens after death, but be respectful. Everyone has different beliefs. Some won’t want to talk about it, and some may be desperate to do so, wanting to prepare themselves for the next chapter.

Know that you are all taken care of. There are Angels, Guides, loved ones who are departed, who will meet the person when they cross over. Death is not the end. It is just a waking up out of the body and ego, back into the fullness of who you are.

Your higher self, soul self, is magnificent. Part of you has been on a journey here on Earth to learn and grow. You already have the fullness of life, but you step down into a body to experience it, to feel it, to go through duality.

earth-1375640_1920 (Pixabay free)

In the other realm there is love, fullness, oneness. There are no opposites. You come to Earth to experience the opposites, to feel loss and pain, and love and joy.

You come to Earth to advance your soul’s evolution and learning, through living out various experiences. Each lifetime you choose a different focus to explore and hopefully master. If you don’t, you come back again and have another go.

This is not the end of your friend’s life. It is just the end of this chapter. Her book has many, many chapters already lived and more to come. So don’t despair, know that what is meant to be will be. If she is to live longer she will, but if it is her time then that is final, but she will live on in your hearts and memories.

She will also live on in spirit as she explores the other realm, and eventually when she is ready she will choose to return to Earth to undertake her next adventure in duality. All is okay. Just accept what is and breathe through any emotions.

You know what to do. Just be as kind and patient and accepting as you can be, as everyone will be going through deep emotions as they adjust to the news, and work out what they want to do to assist this beautiful person in her final days on Earth. May you all find peace in your hearts. Blessed BE. Amen.

By Jodi-Anne (11 May 2019).

  • Further free guidance on healing techniques and self love are available on the Life Insights and Healing from child abuse pages of this website.
  • If you found this blog useful you may wish to consider purchasing a copy of Jodi-Anne’s book ‘Advice from a higher Source’ which contains 85 more answers to questions about life. The paperback book or ebook can be purchased online at – http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/JMS2011. (Once you have clicked into view the description of the book, go to the top of the page and choose the flag symbol for your country, this will show you the price in your currency and enable you to purchase it in that currency)
Categories
Conscious Evolution Personal Development Relationships

How to know when to stay or go?

There are times in all relationships when intimacy declines and you start to wonder whether the relationship is a healthy one or not.

One of you may have diverted your energies elsewhere, making you unavailable fully to your partner. Some people connect in at work, sport, a hobby or focus more on the children leaving a partner feeling alone and less connected. Of course some have affairs. But more often than not one or both partners become distracted internally, dealing with whatever emotional pain and triggers have been occurring.

This diversion inwards makes less energy available outwards and again a partner may feel left out in the cold. They can feel that their partner’s warmth, their focus, and their energy are not with them anymore. Sometimes if this is temporary it can be sustained in the relationship as is. If the distracted partner comes back to focus with the other, all is well.

Sometimes however this disconnection can continue for a long time. It can be completely unintentional and not due to a lack of love. If one or both partners are dealing with emotional pain, they are simply not available to fully connect with the other. They may truly want to, but feel unable to.

If the partners can talk about what is going on honestly. If they can support each other in their efforts for growth, they may find a way through. But both must be willing to talk openly, honestly and to do the work to heal their inner hurts.

No matter how much you love the other, you cannot heal their wounds for them. They have to go within, feel and heal. They have to make the time to look at the way they are living their life and choose to make changes so they can be happier, healthier and more available to mutually nurture and nourish the partner and the relationship.

Each has to choose to make the relationship a priority, to create time together doing fun things. If they don’t it can become stale, boring, not stimulating and they might drift apart.

No matter how hard you try to please the other or to take care of the other, if they are not looking after themselves it won’t work.

They have to step up, take action and do the work to heal their hurts, change their thinking and behaviour patterns, so that they can be more positive, more available for themselves and the other. They have to do the work. You can’t do it for them.

If you stay too long in the above scenario you will become deflated, depressed and despairing. It is outside of your control to make it work. You can’t force it, pretend it, fluff it up so you feel better. You need to face facts and see whether or not your emotional needs, your intimacy needs, your physical needs, etc. are being met within the relationship.

If they are not you need to consider leaving for the sake of your own health. You can’t wait forever. You will get angry. You will get resentful. You will get manipulative and forceful trying to get your partner to take action. But if they aren’t ready, they’re simply not ready, and no amount of pushing, cajoling, crying, etc. will change that.

You can’t roll a boulder uphill easily. That is what you are doing if you are trying to get someone to change who simply doesn’t want to or know how to.

Even if they’re depressed and unhappy, they won’t change till they feel capable and you can’t make that happen. You can love them, encourage them, provide books or other resources, but then you need to accept what is. Step back and wait. Give the person a chance to decide what they are and are not willing to do.

Sadly they may choose not to take action. That is their right. Your choice is whether to accept that or not. Your choice is to decide how long you are willing to wait before you start focussing elsewhere too.

The healthiest thing to do is to focus on making your life happier. Spend time with friends, do activities or hobbies you enjoy. This takes the pressure off of the relationship so you both can breathe.

If the partner becomes more available you can connect back in deeply. If they don’t you will feel more held and fulfilled in your life outside of the relationship and you can let that expand. The choice is yours.

Face facts and decide what to do. Don’t pretend all is okay if it is not. Don’t blame the other. Just see it from their side. They need to focus elsewhere. This is not a rejection of you or a judgement of you. It is just a phase of life taking them in a different direction. The question becomes will your roads meet again or travel further apart.

Surrender and trust that no matter what happens life will lead you both forth to experience what you need to, in order to keep healing, evolving and opening your hearts. You will both be taken care of as you move along your journeys, together or apart.

If you do part, give thanks for all you have shared, learned and grown during the relationship. Give thanks for the good and challenging times through which you gained more clarity on what is important to you, and what you will not accept or compromise on.

Give thanks for the love, the joy, the passion which may have long gone cold. Give thanks for the acceptance and connection which would have nourished you in the beginning. Let go of judgements, condemnations or harshness. Just let go with love and trust you will be led forth into that which you need next in your life.

When the time is right you will meet another and the cycles of love and growth will continue. We go through many of these cycles each lifetime. Sometimes the cycle occurs with the same partner, when relationships cool then warm up again, and sometimes it occurs with new partners.

Trust that what is meant to be will be, and all is truly okay, even if it feels painful to acknowledge the truth of the current situation. Take a deep breath and smile, knowing all is okay deep within and anything that needs to shift and release will.

Flow with the waves of emotion and let them dissipate. You will have grief over letting go of something you thought would last forever. It’s only natural. Be kind to yourself each day and don’t think too far ahead. Relax and let go knowing all will be okay in the end. Blessed BE.

By Jodi-Anne (27 April 2019).

  • Further free guidance on healing techniques and self love are available on the Life Insights and Healing from child abuse pages of this website.
  • If you found this blog useful you may wish to consider purchasing a copy of Jodi-Anne’s book ‘Advice from a higher Source’ which contains 85 more answers to questions about life. The paperback book or ebook can be purchased online at – http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/JMS2011. (Once you have clicked into view the description of the book, go to the top of the page and choose the flag symbol for your country, this will show you the price in your currency and enable you to purchase it in that currency)
Categories
Healing from child abuse Personal Development Self help techniques

How to relax, have fun and play?

When your early life was full of fear and tension, you brace yourself for the next fight, the next bout of anger that gets taken out on you or your family. You live frozen in fear ready to detach, fight, flee or hide. You live braced for anger and you lose your ability to relax and have fun.

This is the legacy of being raised in an abusive home filled with violence, be that physical or emotional or both. You freeze inside. Your energy is tied up with protecting yourself and those you love. It is focused on ways to escape or avoid the worst situations you fear. You scan for ways out or ways to diffuse the bomb so explosions don’t occur.

All this fear, all this tension, makes it hard to relax and have fun. That doesn’t even enter your mind. You are exhausted from being on watch, on guard duty, helping yourself and your loved ones survive.

As you grow this pattern becomes ingrained – a strong sense of responsibility, of duty, of action to protect self and others pervades all you do. You can become over serious and focused on work or your chosen cause that you fight for – whether that be protecting children, the planet, animals or some other group that you feel is being exploited and abused.

You can become so focused on your duty and responsibility that you forget to actually live your life. You feel it is so important to keep going, keep trying, keep doing ‘what is right’, what is needed.

But in doing this you are depleting your energy reserves. You are being sucked dry of all your vitality, your joy and your enthusiasm. Eventually you will give up, it will all seem too hard, and then you collapse, exhausted, burnt out and wondering why life is so hard.

Life isn’t that hard. You’ve made it hard by driving yourself relentlessly on a cause that doesn’t need your energy. You alone do not need to save the world, the children, the poor, animals, etc.

You do not need to sacrifice your life in order to help others. You are allowed to play and have fun. You have just forgotten how to. It is such a foreign concept for you. You don’t even know where to begin.

There are so many fun things you could do, but they seem like a waste of time, unimportant or too much effort. This is just your conditioning, your habit, your fear of relaxing, being vulnerable and feeling what is underneath your compulsion.

You are not going to die just because you slow down. You are not going to be crushed by the emotional pain inside or the abuser who may no longer be present in your actual life. He is just in your head, your thoughts, your self-critical or abusive voice telling you off inside. You are not at war any more. It is okay to put the guns down. It is okay to rest and enjoy life.

This is the challenge now – to relax, to enjoy life, to find the passion and joy that you had as a child and buried when pain took over.

You have to let your true, original-self back out. This part of you may have been buried so long you don’t even recognise it as part of you anymore. It may be so deeply repressed and depressed that it takes a while to find it, to get to know it, to believe it is okay to have fun.

This is the inner work and healing you need to do in order to enjoy your life. You have to work with these inner parts and defense mechanisms to dismantle the armour, so you can relax and be free to enjoy your life.

Just being aware of it, of facing the truth of what is occurring in your life helps. It helps loosen the ropes, so you can go within to untangle yourself and free yourself from the inner prisons you have been trapped inside. This all takes time. And it takes a willingness to surrender your roles and responsibilities. A willingness to let go of focusing on helping others, the planet, animals, etc and honouring yourself – making yourself the priority, believing it is okay to do it, that you deserve it and that it is safe to look underneath the facade of your life to the deeper processes at play.

You don’t need to spend years analysing yourself or locked away doing healing processes. This is another distraction, another trap that can become all consuming, tiring and even exhausting if you do too much.

Your body needs time to integrate the shifts and changes. It will tell you when something is needed – be that healing work, rest, changes to diet, etc. If you listen your body will tell you what is needed. It will help you move forward.

When your body trusts you to listen, it will let baggage surface at a rate it can handle, for you to heal the issue and make the necessary changes to your beliefs, habits and thinking patterns. It will guide you to what you need at the rate you can handle it.

You don’t have to search for issues to heal. You don’t need to avoid life by focusing on healing or on rescuing others. You don’t need to avoid yourself and your life out of fear or emotional pain.

Sit with yourself. Sit with what arises. Feel into it. Breathe through it and let it shift. You don’t have to run away from it any more. Let yourself be. Let your self be still and absorb the healing energy of nature, of love, of friendships, of fun activities and playfulness.

Let the seriousness go and let life lead you forth. In time you will learn how to play again. It will just happen spontaneously as you slow down, relax and trust life to lead you forth with ease and grace to your destined future. You can’t get it wrong. You don’t need to figure it out, solve it or make it happen. You just need to relax, unwind and listen within.

Let it happen naturally and peacefully. It doesn’t have to be war like any more. Let the war go and know that you’re perfectly okay. It’s just habits to let go of.

If you have a very strong, determined mind, you have to detach from it and focus on your heart, your body, and listen to what they need. They can lead you forth. Send love to your mind and ignore its suggestions, it’s have to’s and must do’s. Let go of its priorities and to do lists and just BE.

Listen into your heart, your inner child and let them speak softly to you about what they would like from you.  Re-establishing these connections, the ability to be peaceful and at rest in your body. These are what lead to inner joy and freedom to be playful. It is an inner stance; an inner way of being that is then easily translated into living life with love, joy, fun and vitality.

While you are still standing there frowning with seriousness or angry that it seems so hard or furious because it should be easy. Any of these just block your peace. Of course it looks silly to play or relax when you are wound so tight you are about to explode.

Find a way to soften. Find what works for you: being in nature, gardening, being with kids, pets, or friends, doing art or music or exercise. Find whatever way in works to get you to let go of control and surrender into softness. Bodywork, massage, etc can help, as can a relaxing bath, a piece of chocolate cake or lemon tart – anything that brings joy more to the surface, so the serious you steps aside, retreats back into the background, allowing you the chance to experience another aspect of life.

You can do it. It is happening already, just you judge it because you would like it all fixed now, thank you very much! This is a process. It takes time. It takes patience and kindness. Frustration, impatience and judgement just slow it down. Be kind to yourself and others as they unravel their armour, their conditioning and their way of seeing life.

It is a complete personality shift to let go of being so serious, fighting for a cause, and sacrificing who you are and your life for a valid reason. To see that it is all a choice, to see that it has been used as a way to escape or avoid being vulnerable and taking risks. It is hard to look at all of this, for your very foundations are being shaken.

God does not require you to self-sacrifice to fight any battle. God just wants you to evolve into a God-like being of love, kindness and peace, sharing these energies wherever you go. How you choose to live your life doesn’t matter. When you have this inner peace and love inside it touches everyone you interact with. Your light shines out positively affecting all. You don’t have to effort it, force it. It just happens.

You don’t have to make yourself the best you can be. STOP. Stop this. Just relax and be you. All of us are good people. All of us are innocent, kind and loving underneath our wounds. We just have to drop below the surface and reconnect to our innate qualities, our true self. For that is already a beautiful child of God. We don’t have to improve that. We can’t. It already is perfect as it is.

Each of us truly is okay, truly is enough. We are just learning to accept that, to believe that and to love our self and others in a way that we all can relax and just BE, knowing we are okay and we can choose to enjoy life, have fun and play. No seriousness needed. Trust life to lead you forth, to guide you to your passion and your joy.

No need to try to figure it out. Just relax and BE. That is all that is needed. Drop the judgement, the trying, the forcing and just allow. Allow life to happen – in all its glory and majesty, and in all its boredom and stagnation. These are just phases you move through, like the ocean waves. There are highs and lows. There can be intensity and calmness, even flatness. These are all just phases. None are better than the other. When the time is right the winds of change will blow and move you into the next phase of your life.

So relax, let go and BE. It doesn’t have to be so challenging. Put your feet up. Read a book. Watch a movie. Go for a walk. Cook some food. Enjoy life in its simplicity and its day to day tasks. All can be enjoyed if you see it this way. Blessed BE. Amen.

By Jodi-Anne (17 March 2019).

  • Further free guidance on healing techniques and self love are available on the Life Insights and Healing from child abuse pages of this website.
  • If you found this blog useful you may wish to consider purchasing a copy of Jodi-Anne’s book ‘Advice from a higher Source’ which contains 85 more answers to questions about life. The paperback book or ebook can be purchased online at – http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/JMS2011. (Once you have clicked into view the description of the book, go to the top of the page and choose the flag symbol for your country, this will show you the price in your currency and enable you to purchase it in that currency)