Category: Parenting

Why do we inherit family trauma?

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Family Constellations, Parenting, Relationships, Self help techniques

Trauma that cannot be processed by one family member, because it is overwhelming, they do not have the skills or knowledge of how to process it, or do not have the will to feel it and release it, will be passed on genetically to the next generation. It also of course affects the rest of the current generation due to the unavailability of the traumatised person who will be isolated within themselves, possibly numb emotionally and distant in their ineracting with others, be they their children or siblings.

Trauma stays within the body and freezes part of the person’s energy, it is literally stuck, frozen in time within them, locked into when the trauma occurred. It stays in the body until it is processed and if it is not processed then it remains locked in place, creating internal tension and dis-ease.

No individual wants this to occur or be passed on to their existing children or grand children. It is not an intentional thing, it is an automatic thing. If Dad has died in the war then Mum is going to be mourning, she is not going to be able to be present fully for the children or meet their emotional needs. The children will sense Mum’s pain and feel their own loss and mourning, so they will try to get Mum to feel better, so they can get the attention they need. If it doesn’t work they eventually give up trying and switch off, shut down emotionally, feeling empty, unloved, unsatisfied with life.

The pattern then repeats when they marry and try to get the attention they missed out on from their husband or wife. No matter how loving the partner is, they cannot make up for the emotional pain or love deficit from their partner’s childhood, so it will feel unloving or not enough. They may try hard to give enough, to do extra, be extra affectionate and giving, they may try to fill that hole in their partner. Eventually they realise no matter what they do it is not enough, it doesn’t work and they are exhausted from trying, so they switch off, shut down, isolate and become emotionally numb as well, so the pattern continues. No malice, no cruelty, just life when there is trauma within one or both partners in a relationship.

So how do you resolve it? By becoming aware of the trauma within, by creating a safe enough space that you can feel it, acknowledge it and let it dissolve. By seeing your defense mechanism and games you have used to protect yourself from it.

  • Have you kept yourself so busy that you can’t feel?
  • Have you been saving the world, feeling righteous putting all your energy into others or a cause, but neglecting yourself, avoiding yourself and your inner world?
  • Have you been pleasing others, doing for others, hoping that they will love and accept you and you will feel that you are okay, lovable and worthwhile?
  • Have you been isolating yourself from others, keeping a low profile, so as not to be seen or to avoid any possible further trauma? By being preoccupied with avoiding it, you stay stuck in it and will have difficulty exeriencing any joy in life.

There are many defensive mechanisms that people use to try and keep safe or to avoid their feelings. Looking good so to avoid rejection, fearing you won’t be accepted as you are, so you try to be, look, do everything perfectly. This is exhausting. It is no wonder people end up depressed or ill, their life force is being frittered away with fear and their over reactions to it.

To clear the trauma and stop passing it onto our kids we need to become emotionally aware and savvy in processing how we feel. Learn to go within and sit inside yourself, breathe, let the emotion surface and breathe through it, let it be released, felt into completion. It can’t be avoided. It has to be acknowledged and felt. Thank the defense mechanism for keeping you safe, but choose to be present for yourself and your inner child now.

happiness inside jobIt is this inner child part of you that needs your reassurance, your love, your acceptance. It needs you to become the good parent to yourself, to know that you will look after him/her and protect her, you wil be the Adult guardian she felt was absent in earlier years. As she feels safer and you feel and release the pain, you will find you are not triggered by life any more, you can live more in the now and be there for those you love. Your children, if you have any, will notice this shift, they will feel your presence and they will absorb your love, your attention, and you can meet their emotional needs, fill up their inner cup with love so it is overflowing, then they can acept themselves and enjoy their lives.

If their cup does  not get filled and they feel empty, forlorn, they will at a soul level choose to take some of your pain, some of your trauma so you feel better and then you might be able to love them more. They abandon themselves to care for you. This is a reversal of the orders of love and is damaging for all involved. Parents are meant to give and children receive. However, it is often reversed in many families when the parents are hurt, injured or unavailable, whether that be due to illness, addiction or absence.

Children try to make the parent happier, they may try to be neater or tidier, they may help out with the housework or try to cheer the parent up with jokes, they may try to steal the attention through getting into trouble to distract you from your pain or they may even sacrifice their own health, choosing to get ill so you will focus on them and not feel your own pain. Children are so loving, but this is not healthy behaviour.

In doing this chldren miss out on being kids, they grow up way too fast and this stunts their natural growth and emotional development. It locks trauma, pain and loss within them and so the cycle repeats. When they have their own children they will sense the parent’s pain and do the same thing, hence it passes through the generations. No malice, not deliberate, done out of love, of wanting to help and of not knowing how to heal the underlying issue of emotional pain and trauma.

Thankfully in today’s world we do have the knowledge of how to heal trauma, how to bring love back into the family system and to correct any reversals of flow, so that the younger generations can receive the love and support they need and deserve from the ancestors behind them.

Family Constellations and other methods can help individuals to heal their family systems, enabling hope and love to exist for all family members. There is much more that can be said about this in future blogs, for now this is enough, to understand that trauma passes through families until love is restored.

Each family member can find peace and happiness when the blocks to love are removed. It can be done, support is available and you can learn the skills to feel your emotions and release that which is locked away inside you. It is possible, it is worth doing and your children thank you, because then they don’t need to do it for you, the burden they carry for you is transformed, freeing them to enjoy their lives more. Such love, such loyalty, such strength and commitment to each other, that is what families are about and it is beautiful. Blessed BE, Amen.

By Jodi-Anne (10 September 2016).
Further free guidance on healing techniques and self love are available on the Life Insights and Healing from child abuse pages of this website.

How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Healing from child abuse, Health, Parenting, Personal Development, Uncategorized

In this short video Nadine Burke Harris explains how adverse childhood experiences impacts the health of the child and continues to do so over the lifetime of the person. She explains in scientific terms why this occurs and ways the impacts can be reduced. She believes that this is a public health issue and should be addressed as such with multidisciplinary teams available to help affected individuals to heal the trauma and reduce the impacts.

How to love yourself fully?

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Healing from child abuse, Parenting, Personal Development

Most people do not fully love themselves. They may like themselves a bit, think that they are okay, but they don’t cherish the precious being that they are. They don’t look at themselves with love and reverence. They don’t honour their bodily needs and treat themselves with the respectful thought, touch and actions that they would do for others.

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Many of us have been taught to dislike ourselves. Life has shown us evidence that we are not lovable, good enough or okay. This is false evidence. It was just the interpretation of events that were not actually about you, even if it seemed they were.

Parents can rarely meet all needs of a child. It is too much to ask for. That is why traditionally they say it takes a tribe to raise a child. When one is tired and needs to rest, another steps in to care for the child. That way interactions can be mostly positive, loving, nurturing and accepting.

In today’s way of being parents are often trying to do it on their own or with occasional support from family or friends. The parents are tired, coping with work, money concerns, their own stuff as well as caring for the child. Out of exhaustion and frustration it is harder for all their interactions to be loving and kind to the child. There are times when they simply have nothing left to give and may feel resentful of the child and its needs. They may wish the child didn’t exist or they could give them away. This is just exhaustion. Just a lack of support in the way that modern life operates.

The children however can sense the above. They feel that Mum or Dad is not available, distant, angry or upset. They feel the absence of love and joy when Mum is depressed and lonely, struggling to cope. While the parents actions are not really about the baby itself, it will feel like it is. It’s not that it is the baby’s personality, the being that it is, that is the issue. It is the demands of parenthood in a time when that role is undervalued and unappreciated. It could be any baby and it would get the same response. However, as a baby and a child growing up we do assume it is about us personally. We may think ‘if only I was prettier, smarter, more like Mum, Dad, brother, sister – whoever does get the attention more easily – if only I was like them then I’d be lovable. Then I’d be okay’. This is the foundation of self loathing, self rejection and self denial. We start manipulating who we are to please others, to get approval, to fit in and receive love. It is all about LOVE.

In the early stages of life we need to be nurtured and looked after by others, mainly our families and friends who care for us and our welfare. Without touch and care babies do not thrive and gain weight. It physically damages them to be left alone and not cared for. Uncontrolled crying, being left to cry, actually releases cortisol into the baby’s blood stream, a stress hormone, that eats away, dissolves parts of the baby’s brain. It actually damages the brain physically.

So don’t let babies cry. Find a way to be there for them. Ask for help and support when you need it. Go outside into nature and let the Earth’s energy support you if no one else is around. Ensure that you do have plans in place for those times when your personal reserves are empty, when your gas tank is on zero. Have someone you can call on or text that can come help.

Do loving and nurturing things to reduce your stress levels and support your body. Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) is a process you can use at home whenever you like to reduce tension, stress and trauma. It helps you to come out of overwhelm, to calm down and relax, so it is easier to deal with life’s challenges and connect with others. It soothes your nervous system making it easier to face the day ahead and the tasks you must complete.

The breakdown of community and isolation that most people live in, makes connection so much harder. So many people are lonely, scared to reach out to others for fear of rejection or further loss and pain. Instead they hide at home with their pets who provide them with their main source of love and affection.

If so many people are feeling lonely, unloved or deep down feeling perhaps they aren’t lovable, don’t deserve love or will never be loved, shouldn’t we just all take the risk to love each other, to meet each others needs? Acknowledge we are all carrying wounds around this and beliefs about ourselves that we need to change, emotional pain that needs to be felt and released, so that we can realise we are perfectly okay as we are. Take a step today and reach out to another human being. Offer your friendship, your love, your time and see what happens. Not all will accept, but some might and you only need one or two to start with. Offer them your heart and say ‘I will love and accept you as you are, will you do the same for me?‘ You may not say this out loud, but energetically it is what you are wishing to portray. Get out there, join social, sporting, art or other types of groups. Do what makes your heart sing and you will start to feel more fulfilled and full of love as you honour yourself and treat yourself in more loving ways.

There is much that you can do to show yourself that you are loved, lovable and deserving of good things in life. Tell your friends how you feel and you will be surprised that they feel that way too. We all have some self doubt and insecurities. We all have issues we are working through. Sometimes sharing with others is good. Other times put that aside and just have fun. Just go out and have fun.

This is how you love yourself fully, by honouring your own needs and meeting them. By doing for yourself what your parents could not do. You choose to be there for yourself, to meet your needs, to rest when needed and have fun. You follow your heart’s messages and do what it desires. You risk opening up and connecting with others who feel safe and play together, honouring each other.

Love is not hard. It is our natural state, the most natural thing for us to do. We have just been conditioned to be wary of it due to life experiences. It could be school events where you were bullied or teased. It could be workplace incidents that led you to feel incompetent or not good enough. These issues can occur at any time of our life, but the seed of them is planted during our time in the womb and as a baby.

A foetus knows whether it is wanted or not wanted while growing in the Mother’s womb. The foetus receives the Mother’s blood supply and all the molecules of emotion it contains, through the umbilical cord. It carries this from the start, this knowing, and it forms the start of its identity. Preconception, pregnancy and birth truly are significant and important events which shape the personality of the child and its feeling of being loved or not, safe or not, wanted or not. These are times when tenderness and care are needed. When loving touch is needed. Ensure that these are times of love and joy, and your baby will flourish and grow with less doubts about self and his/her self worth.

deserve good lifeThe important thing to realise is everyone goes through this. We are all carrying degrees of ‘Am I okay?’ questioning. Realise you are. You are enough. You are perfectly enough exactly as you are. Find the courage to show yourself to the world and stand strong in who you are. You don’t need to play games for approval or modify yourself to fit in. Let it go and be yourself. Let it go and be happy with what you have and who you are. As you do so your inner world will flourish and your outer world will alter to match it. You are okay. You are lovable, and you do deserve the best in life. Do the healing necessary so you believe in yourself and live life freely as the beautiful human being that you are. Blessed BE. Amen.

By Jodi-Anne (8 Dec 2015).

Further free guidance on healing techniques and self love are available on the Life Insights and Healing from child abuse pages of this website.

How to free yourself from fear?

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Healing from child abuse, Parenting, Personal Development

Fear takes hold of us when we are put into a state of phsyical danger. It is a natural mechanism designed to help us. It is the fight or flight or freeze response associated with the amygdala in the brain.

When a wild animal or cave man is attacking you, it is a good response. Blood flows away from your organs, digestion, immune system and brain and goes to your muscles, so that you have the best chance of winning the fight or out running your attacker. In this response you are helped to survive.

However, for many people their body’s are locked in fight or flight mode all the time. This is not helpful or healthy. It makes the body stressed and unable to do all that it needs to do with ease and grace.

We need to help calm and soothe our bodies back to a state of peace and relaxation. We need to let go of the tension that accumulates so readily in modern life. Rushing around all the time, trying to meet deadlines, putting ourselves under unnecessary pressure to achieve, to succeed in our jobs, our homes, our families, to have the best of everything.

Modern society measures success based on wealth and posessions. This is not an accurate description of success, for it ignores the lack of joy, close relationships, poor health, fatigue and exhaustion that comes from always being on the go.

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A truer measure of success is peace and happiness. Is a person happy with their life, are they operating from their passion, fulfiling their creativity and purpose in life, are they loved, loving and kind with many close friends and healthy relationships with family, work colleagues and those they meet on the street. Do they have time to spend with their kids, who know that they are loved, important, valued and heard. Or are they waving goodbye to the kids in front of the TV as they go off to work.

Which version of life do you relate to most? If the first then it is not surprising that your body may be locked in a fearful state. There is no deep relaxation when someone is constantly on the go, rushing around. The body doesn’t get a chance to relax and recharge. Sleep may be broken and less of it than is needed for good health.

During sleep the body realigns with its natural state. With the mind switched off it can finally connect with Source and let all the residue of the day be cleared out. Some of it appears as dreams. Some of it just releases. But deep sleep is needed for this restorative process to occur.

If a person is locked in to chronic fear, they may struggle to sleep soundly, which then exacerbates the situation, as the body does not get the time to heal itself that it needs. Sleep really is very important. It is worth going to bed an hour earlier so you can sleep more. It is certainly more important than watching TV.

Most of people’s fears today are not about life and death situations. It is usually about stressful situations faced due to pushing themselves too hard in modern living – traffic, job pressures, rushing around, not having time to do everything that is needed. These are the superficial fears, the feeling like the ‘wheels will fall off’ if you actually stopped to rest. These are easily rectified by actually choosing to do less. By realising that you are living at a pace that the human body has not been designed for. So, choose to do less. Cut out unnecessary tasks and do only that which bring you joy and are truly required for you to live a happy and healthy life.

The deeper seated fears are those that come from childhood conditioning – ‘Am I good enough?’, ‘Am I lovable?’, ‘Am I acceptable as a human being?’. These are core fears, doubts about your being, your essence, that have resulted from not receiving enough of your parent’s attention, love and kindness when you were little.

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With modern lifestyles this is only getting worse, as more and more families have 2 working parents and the children spend more time in front of the TV and in childcare than they do talking or having fun with Mum and Dad.

Children’s developing brains do not have the capacity to understand that Mum and Dad are working so hard because they think they need to have the big, fancy house and cars and holiday homes, etc. The children simply see that Mum and Dad do not want to spend time with them and they assume it is because of a lack inside themselves.‘If I was more lovable, a better person, if I was more ….. then Mum and Dad would spend more time with me. They don’t value doing so, don’t make time for it, so I must not be valuable or lovable’.

This sets the scene for a fearful life with low self esteem. The child grows looking outside themselves for validation, constantly looking for evidence that their fears are real. ‘See the way that person looked at me, it confirms my fear that the world is a cruel place or danagerous place. See how that person pushed past me, etc’. These people may not have even noticed the first person and their actions aren’t deliberate or targeted, but because of the fearful thinking the person takes it to heart and draws false conclusions about the world and their safety in it.

In time with enough fearful thinking, it becomes habituated and the body goes about reacting as if it is always in danger. The day is lived on high alert, which is not healthy for the person concerned. As it takes hold the body gets overloaded and the result can be panic attacks and high anxiety levels. The body is so full of adrenalin and other fear related chemicals, that it becomes toxic and normal thinking abilities cease. The blood is flowing away from the conscious mind, locked into the primitive or hind brain in fight or flight mode. This is traumatising and exhausting.

Underneath all of this fear is faulty thinking, false assumptions about self and your ability to cope with life. Negative self messages may have been programmed into your subconscious mind when you were little, leaving you feeling weak and helpless.

From 0-7 the developing brain of a child simply absorbs what it hears, like a tape recording. What a child hears is what they believe about themselves and their abilities. It becomes the self-talk they say to themselves later on. It becomes the programming in their subconsicous mind. If a child is told it is weak, clumsy, useless, unwanted, a burden, not good enough, etc, then these become the core beliefs that the person will live with throughout their life, unless they learn how to change them.

If a child is told it is hopeless or can’t achieve, then they will struggle to be successful throughout their life. There will be this internal self sabotage due to their programming, which won’t let them be successful. Those negative self beliefs will kick in and stop them achieving their goals. Worse, it will create high levels of stress and anxiety whenever they try to achieve anything, as the tape recording in their subconscious mind will be constantly playing – telling them they are going to fail or are in danger of making a fool of themself if they try, etc.

Some people are aware of this negative self talk, for others it occurs quietly below the surface and they don’t even hear it. But it is occurring regularly throughout the day, adding to the fear and anxiety.

Over coming the fear and anxiety requires turning up the volume of the self talk so you are aware of it, then choosing to change it. Every time you hear a negative self belief, stop it, and say a more positive statement to yourself. Instead of ‘You always do that, you always stuff up’, say ‘In the past i’ve struggled, that’s true, but now i’m choosing to be kinder to myself. I can do this. I just have to practice and build my skills’. Become your own best friend and encourager of yourself.

The subconscious beliefs can be reprogrammed, changed to be positive, supportive beliefs that help you achieve your goals. There are many ways to do this including Psych-K, Lifeline Technique, Hypnosis [and] use of affirmations for long enough and often enough that the statement becomes habitual thought.

While affirmations take a long time to become habituated, the other techniques are much quicker. With Psych-K it only takes a few minutes to replace negative beliefs with more positive ones. However, lots of belief balances are needed as most people have a lifetime of negative self beliefs to reprogram. As you do, the tension in your body can release as the fearful programming is let go of. If you know you are safe, loved, wanted and cared for there is less reason for being on high alert. The body can start to relax as the danger has passed.

This deep level of core belief change is needed for this deep relaxation to occur. That is why just thinking more positively is not enough. Our conscious mind represents only 5% of our brain’s processing capacity. 90-95% of it occurs in the subconscious mind, which makes your body function without you having to think about it. The subconscious mind makes our hearts beat, our lungs breathe, our digestion work, etc. It does all of this without our having to think about it and it is so powerful it over rides our conscious thoughts. We cannot make ourselves stop breathing or not be hungry, our body forces us to breathe and to know that we need to eat. So, just using positive thinking is not enough to over come these deeper bodily reactions and programming. Changing core self beliefs is needed to help the body relax and let go of fear.

Diet and exercise also assist the body to be healthier, as does extra sleep, vitamins and minerals. There are many things that can be done to help the body let go of fear – massage can help a body in heightened fight or flight mode to relax a little and slow down.

For those that have been abused or suffered trauma, body work is very important as the person needs to learn that it can be safe to be touched. This is crucial for their body to relax and soften and allow them to feel safe again. It will take time for this relaxation to occur. Someone who has been traumatised and hasn’t released the underlying emotion may automatically flinch when touched. They automatically pull away for fear of further abuse or trauma. This is very sad, and this patterning will continue unless action is taken to heal it.

The nervous system of someone locked in fight or flight mode is constantly activated. Processes like Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) can help the body to calm by activating the body’s natural release mechanism. The body will shake out the tension and stress, if allowed to, so that it can return to a state of ease and grace.

When a person’s nervous system calms it is easier for them to relate to and connect with others, as their body is open and more receptive. It no longer fears or assumes danger from interacting with others.

TRE and other trauma release processes that focus on healing the autonomic nervous system are an important aspect of healing from fear, so you can have greater peace and relaxation.

Underneath the fear and anxiety is buried emotions from the initial events that led to the conditioning. It may be sadness or anger or shame and embarassment. Whatever it is, these emotions need to be felt and released so the body can go back to its natural state of peace and relaxation.

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Know it is possible to overcome exagerated fear responses. It is possible to heal these automatic reactions. It just takes time and effort to calm and soothe your body, to reprogram your subconscious beliefs and use more self supportive thinking and self talk patterns. Time in nature can also soothe us as can body work, diet and exercise. There is much that can be done. Enjoy. Blessed BE. Amen.

By Jodi-Anne (18 November 2015).

Further free guidance on healing techniques and self love are available on the Life Insights and Healing from child abuse pages of this website.

Epigenetics – explaining how we can inherit trauma and tendencies for anxiety and depression from earlier generations in our family.

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Family Constellations, Healing from child abuse, Health, Parenting, Personal Development

Here is a great article explaining how our ancestor’s negative experiences affect their DNA expression, which can be inherited by future generations. For instance, if Grandma was raised in an abusive, alcoholic home or suffered some other trauma, some of that trauma and reactions to it can be passed onto future generations, predisposing them to becoming anxious or depressed.

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How best to heal after a miscarriage?

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Conscious Evolution, Parenting, Personal Development

A miscarriage is God’s introduction to parenthood and connection. It gives parents an opportunity to process how they feel about being parents without the pressure of actually becoming parents. It is a stepping stone towards parenthood, an opportunity for cleansing of any negaitve energies in each the faterh and mother that may inhibit pregnancy and child birth. It is a practical, purposeful process of nature. It has meaning and reason. It is not random, nor pointless. It happens to many because many have blockages to clear before their bodies are purified enough to carry a foetus full term. There are no accidents. It all occurs as it needs to.

Healing from miscarriage involves accepting this truth – that it was a necessary step towards parenthood for your situation. It is not your fault. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it. You are okay and you will have children in future – if it is part of your life plan to do so. Your life plan was chosen before you incarnated to enable you to learn all the evolutionary lessons you chose to learn in this lifetime. It is set in stone and can not be altered once incarnated. So relax, trust and enjoy, knowing you can’t get it wrong and all that happens is for your good. It may not seem like that, but all of life’s experiences are helping you grow, leading you forth to develop a stronger connnection with your inner self, your heart and your life as a mysterious journey of evolution.

weeping-womanIf you are steeped in grief over the loss of your baby then allow the tears to flow. Give yourself time to grieve. Plant a tree or flower on behalf of the child and watch it grow. Nature shows us the cycles of life and seasons of passing. Such a ritual and honouring can be healing. Welcome the child into your heart and talk to them.Thank them for being with you for that short time and wish them well in their next incarnation. Tell them how much you loved them and had looked forward to sharing your life with them. Let yourself carry them with you in your thoughts, day dreams and night time dreams. Let them continue to be a part of your life, for energetically they are. It is only the physical aspect that has ceased.

If you can quiet your mind ask your heart why it had to happen, what was the purpose that the miscarriage served. You may hear that it helped clear your body of dense emotions and vibrations. It raised your vibration by opening your heart to love and joy. It helped soothe your broken heart and not feel alone. The pregnancy may have brought you closer together with your partner and led to more trust and intimacy. Alternatively it may have shown you that you don’t want to be in that situation, relationship or marriage. You may have seen a need for a reordering of your life, a change of focus, work, hobbies, etc. Whatever the reason the pregnancy and miscarriage served a purpose in some way.

miscarriage-quotesTry to find the positive change that resulted from the experience and thank the child for that. Thank it for choosing you as a parent and for helping you to grow in whatever way it has. Trust that it knew it was not to be born, as it was still in energetic form, connected to God/Source/Creator. It knew what was to occur and needed the experience in some way. It may have wanted a taste of life, but not a full life yet. It may have wanted to feel deeply wanted and loved. Or if your pregnancy was not wanted or joyous, it may have wanted to feel the struggle and turmoil of making a difficult decision. Whatever it experienced while with you, served it in some way. Life is not random or meaningless. There is a purpose to all that occurs. We may not understand it, but it is true, and life will be a lot simpler and easier if we accept that fact and accept what occurs. Don’t fight against it. Don’t resist what is. Don’t waste energy complaining or wondering why. Don’t go into victim mode and wallow in depression. There is no need for that. This is just another stepping stone in your life leading you forward to being the greatest version of you that you can be – the embodiment of your higher self on Earth.

If you are struggling with your grief, see a counsellor or therapist to support you and your body throguh it. Massage will help soothe you and connect you with your feelings. You could use processes like Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) to help release the trauma, tension and stress from your body, so that you can open back up to connection and relaxation. Time in nature will help balance you too.

Talking with friends and others who have gone through this will help you know you are not alone, that miscarriage is quite common and that most go on to have a healthy baby. This is not the end of your parenting dreams. It is just a rock on the road, an obstacle to move through, to get to your goal.

Love yourself through it and look after your needs and those of any other kids you have at this time. They too will need extra cuddles. They will see your sadness, your confusion, your numbness and perhaps your rage if you feel it. Kids are very intuitive. Be honest with them and explain that you are feeling sad and lost after what occurred and you just need some time to feel good again. They too will go through disappointments in life and your role modelling of how to go though such a phase of life can help them greatly.

Don’t burden them with too much detail, but don’t stay silent. If you say nothing they will make up what they think it is and may think it is their fault. So tell them the truth with love and awareness and give them the opportunity to express how they feel too. Accept whatever they say, they may feel guilty as they are relieved not to have to share you with another child. They may feel confused and lost too. Whatever they feel comfort and nurture them. Take time to be together and play a lot. Let life and joy be acceptable. You do not need to stop living just because the child did. Let life go on and the child live in your heart, for energetically they are and always will be with you. Blessed BE.

By Jodi-Anne (01 Sept 2015).

Further free guidance on healing techniques and self love are available on the Life Insights and Healing from child abuse pages of this website.

What are the most beneficial actions during pregnancy?

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Health, Parenting

foot inside bellyTalk to your child to be and welcome them into your heart and the world. The embryo can hear your thoughts, feel your love and speak your language while growing – the language of love, of light, and harmony. The higher your vibration the more vital the energy flowing to the baby enabling luscious growth and development.

Sing, dance and play with your child to be, tell it what you are doing and why. Introduce it to people and explain who they are and the role they will play in the child’s life once born. In doing this you are introducing your child to its tribe, to build its sense of belonging, of being loved, and of the world being a loving, welcoming place.

Do your best to keep your thoughts positive and have fun. The vibration of joy, love and gratitude are very beneficial. Know that it is okay to feel low, sad or angry at times. It won’t harm the baby’s growth and development, but do your best to bring yourself back to balance and peace when you can. As long as the balance of your time you feel good, then the baby can grow healthily in your belly.

If you are in despair, depression, fear or rage for too long it will affect the baby’s development. Even your science now shows this leads to development of more brawn and less brain, as the fetus develops so it can fight and survive in the harsh world that its parents perceive. So try not to be in that space. If you do feel or think that way then see a therapist to help you shift those negative feelings and come into balance.

The more secure and safe you can feel during the pregnancy, the more the child will feel that when born. Your beliefs and experiences during pregnancy greatly shape the developing child. If Mum is anxious, baby may become anxious in disposition. The baby feels all of the Mother’s emotions and is affected by them. So the more loving and joyful you can be the better.

hands on bellyHave fun with your child. Let them know they are loved and wanted and you will encourage them to be whoever they want to be. Don’t setup pressures or expectations that the child must fulfill. Don’t create drama about how you are going to cope financially or emotionally. Visualise it all going well. Visualise happily ever after. Of course there will be challenges, but the more positive you can be the better. At all times send love to your developing child – just think of them and visualise love going into them. Gold light is good to send to them too. This strengthens the bond and connection.

Eat well and rest when needed. Your body will do the rest of it. Nothing for you to force or make happen. Surrender and allow. Don’t stress too much or fight against what is needed. If you have to rest all day, so be it. Your body is developing a baby. It is doing one of the most important jobs there is. This is where your life force energy is focused at the moment, so accept you may not be able to do everything else you want to at the moment. Let it all go. Trust that what needs to happen will and everything else can wait or isn’t truly needed.

Love, light, rest, play, visualise, have fun, read stories, colour in, sing and dance. All of these things are beneficial as is meditation and stillness. You are teaching your baby how to live by what you do. Are you showing them life is about having fun and being happy? Or are you showing them you have to push hard and work to achieve your goals? Where is your focus – your head or your heart? All of this affects the developing fetus and the personality of your child.

A lot of programming occurs while in the womb and this can affect the person the rest of their lives. So ideally make it good by being happy yourself. Again, don’t get upset if you have a bad day or a time of fear and panic. Just breathe and balance back up and talk to your baby explaining what you are doing and how you are regulating your emotions and thoughts. This role modelling of emotional intelligence and conscious awareness introduces the child to these concepts and abilities. It is a great head start for them and building a positive self esteem. As they grow and live life you can continue to teach these skills in playful ways enabling them to succeed in life – to live consciously, with self awareness and connection to their hearts.

There is much you can do through pregnancy to help your developing child. Mostly it is all centered around being loving, taking good care of yourself and connecting to your baby. Play music you like, read kids books to your baby in your belly. When they are born that music and those stories will be soothing to them, familiar, a safe space. Make your home a nourishing, beautiful space you enjoy being in, then baby will feel loved and secure there too. Most of this Mothers do automatically. It is easy and natural. Nothing fancy needed. Just love. You will do fine. Enjoy the experience. Blessed BE. Amen.

By Jodi-Anne (22 Aug 2015).

Further free guidance on healing techniques and self love are available on the Life Insights and Healing from child abuse pages of this website.

What is the best way to respond to a disobedient child?

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Parenting, Personal Development

A child disobeys when they feel unheard, unvalued, their view not considered important enough to be listened to. A child disobeys when they don’t understand why they are being asked to do a certain thing. They rebel when what they are asked to do ‘feels wrong’ and takes them away from their joy, their heart’s guidance.

Some times it is appropriate for a child to disobey, to learn assertiveness, to set boundaries. Some times disobeying is the healthiest action they can take to honour themselves and their needs. It is not always wrong or destructive to disobey.

mom-toddler-cosleepingIf it is a small child, a toddler, the best way to respond is to calmly explain why you need them to do what you are asking them to do.

“Mummy needs you to be quiet now, because she is tired and needs some rest. You know what it is like to be tired and sad, don’t you? How about having a cuddle with Mummy and a nap?”

A child will empathise with this information. They will understand why it is beneficial to you for them to be quiet and what’s more you have created a win-win situation. To the child they now have the opportunity to choose connection and receiving love / affection / nurturing, which feels good to them – and as a bonus they will get to feel proud of themselves for helping Mummy – win, win, win!

Try to create such beneficial solutions so the child gets to choose something that meets your needs and theirs. By creating a win-win there is less need for struggle or resistance.

If it is an older child, 6 or 7, then you can explain things in a little more detail. You can ask them how they are feeling and what they need right now. There is a reason for their behaviour. If you can understand the thoughts behind it, you can then discuss alternative ways of seeing situations and choices of how to react. Teaching and role modelling emotional intelligence is important.

“Remember last week when Mummy stubbed her toe on the fridge, she hopped and screamed until it stopped hurting. Mummy was tempted to throw something in anger or to hit the fridge, but she didn’t did she? What did Mummy do? That’s right, Mummy stood still and breathed deeply until the pain stopped. That breathing allowed all the anger to flow out of her and back into Mother Earth. Next time when you get angry let’s try breathing through it and seeing the anger flow out of us back to Mother Earth?

Shall we practice now? When were you last angry? What was it about? Imagine that now, can you see it? How does it feel? What do you want to do? Okay, let’s practice visualising / seeing the anger as energy inside us, see it flowing our our body, down into the Earth. Great! How did you go?”

Doing these types of activities fosters closeness between you and your child, as well as helping them build skills in controlling and releasing their emotions. Remember you are their role model, they learn from what you do. If they see you raging about traffic blocks or income limits or whatever else, then that is how they learn to respond to life’s challenges too.

Be the best role model you can be. And if you slip up and you do something less than ideal explain to them what happened, so you both learn from it and so they are not scared of you and your reactions.

Boots“I am sorry Mummy yelled at you, but this is the third time this week that you have tracked mud inside on your shoes. Mummy doesn’t enjoy cleaning the floors over and over again. I just got upset at the thought of having to do it again, and I felt like you hadn’t listened to me. When you don’t listen Mummy feels hurt like you don’t care about what Mummy says. I know you probably just forgot and you didn’t do it deliberately. And I know you certainly didn’t do it to hurt Mummy’s feelings, but that is how I felt.

Do you remember how upset you got when Tommy kept taking your truck and hiding it? It is the same sort of thing. How did that feel to you? That’s right, you didn’t like it, you felt like Tommy was mean and selfish. Mummy felt like that too, like you didn’t care you were making a mess and that Mummy would clean it up. How about we clean it up together and we put a sign on the door at your height so that you see it before coming inside from playing in the backyard? Should we make the sign together? Yes, okay, how big should it be? What colours do we need? …………”

In this way you are teaching the child problem solving and emotional intelligence skills. You are making it clear it is the behaviour that you dislike. It is not the child itself that you are unhappy with. This distinction is very important. If you imply the child is careless, stupid, lazy, clumsy, inconsiderate, etc, then they will feel bad about them self and naturally will respond with hurt feelings – sulking, tantrum, lashing out. They will feel wounded by your words and feel bad about themselves. This is not helpful, it adds to low self esteem and feeling not good enough.

Make it clear it is the behaviour you didn’t like and you can choose to behave differently. Therefore “It is not you, just your choices that I would like to see change. I love you, I honour you, I am grateful you are my son, I just need you to help me out sometimes by listening to what I say and doing what I ask.”

Of course there are times when it won’t work, no matter what you say. If a child is over tired, exhausted, hungry there is no point trying to reason with them then. Let them rest. Let them rebuild their energy reserves, then you can talk about it.

Sometimes you need to postpone your needs being met and look at what the child is going through. “Honey, why are you so upset? You came in from school and threw your bag against the wall and stormed off into your room. Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?” This would be a more helpful response than yelling at the child for leaving his or her bag and stuff lying around.

If you take the time to listen to them and their emotions, they are much more likely to listen to yours, when you need to explain something to them. Be compassionate. Be empathetic. Be honest and sincere. And most of all be loving.

If it is a teenager who is being disobedient, you need to pick your battles. Let minor things go and only challenge them on issues that you believe are serious enough to warrant discussion.

Teenage years are very challenging for all concerned. As a teen the child is experiencing volatile changes in their body, raging hormones, they are questioning who they are and their value. “Am I smart enough, pretty enough, am I going to succeed in life or not?” They are going through a deep reflective time where they soul search. They may not like who they are or what they have in life, they may doubt their ability to have a happy life and these are heart breaking questions to grapple with. There is lots of fear, anguish, grief and anxiety. This can bottle up until it explodes out in anger or tears.

They are going through a lot so give them space. Let them know that you love them and you are here for them if they want to talk about it. They may not want to. They may feel too embarrassed to do so or be so confused inside that they can’t put how they feel into words. Honour them and this process.

Let them know you love them regularly. Let them know you are proud of them and believe in them. Compliment them on their abilities and when you see them doing something positive.

“I’m really proud of how you handled that situation. You were very polite and considerate giving that old lady the chance to sit on your seat in the bus. That was a very nice thing to do.” “Thank you for tidying up your stuff without me asking you to do it. It makes me really happy to see that you will be able to keep a neat, healthy home when you are older” “But, Mum, I just needed to find something, I wasn’t doing it deliberately.” “I know honey, I’m just glad you did it”.

If you can compliment children often, you help them to build a sense of ‘Yes, I am okay. I am a good person. I can do things’. These are all positive core beliefs which will help build self esteem and their ability to lead a healthy, happy life.

Children are no different to us adults. Some times they are wiser as they haven’t learned to filter their thoughts or ignore their emotions. They haven’t learned to suppress their needs to please others. They can be more emotionally honest in this sense – even if it is turbulent and explosive!

We all need to build our stress management and emotional intelligence skills. If you are stressed and tense take action to calm your body and nervous system. You can spend time outdoors in nature, use some essential oils, listen to some soothing music or watch a television program you like. You can have a hot bath, go for a walk, do some yoga or deep breathing. There’s lots you can do to quickly calm down and start to feel a little better.

Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) can help to shift the tension and stress out of your body so that your nervous system calms down and you balance back up. Once you have learned TRE and how to self-regulate you can use TRE at home whenever you like so that your body and mind calms down, worries less and is more peaceful.

When your body is uptight, tense, stressed, it sends messages to your brain as it feels you are in danger and that it is not safe to relax. Hence your brain scans for danger. Your nervous system is hypervigilant looking for the threat. In this wound up state it’s easy to over react to minor things.

When you’re calmer, when your body and nervous system is more relaxed it’s easier to engage with others from a more playful place, a calmer, more peaceful place. TRE can help you to down-regulate your nervous system and be in a more relaxed state which is beneficial for you and your children. TRE is safe for kids to do too, so that they are calmer and can enjoy life more.

If you get upset at your child, ask yourself ‘Why am I reacting? What am I assuming?’ You may find that you are feeling disrespected, not cared for or loved. That is your issue from your past, for you to resolve.

Your child was not deliberately disrespecting you when they ate candy before dinner. They saw candy, went yum and ate it. They feel good eating candy and wanted to feel good. That’s as complex as it gets. They didn’t stop to think about the impact or consequences of eating it and they certainly didn’t think ‘I want to piss Mum off, I know, I am going to eat all this candy, make myself sick on sugar, and refuse to eat my dinner. That will upset her. Yeah, I’m going to do that!’

toothpaste funKids just do what feels good – they play, sing, dance, laugh, roll in the mud, etc. They are not plotting against you. There is no such thing as a willful child. Look at the situation from their perspective and see what they see.

Squeezing the toothpaste all over the floor is fun – it makes noises, it squelches, it comes out in patterns, it ….. If you don’t want them to do it, remove it from their reach. Remove the temptation.

And take care of yourself so that you are not exhausted and reactive.  Take care of yourself so you do have the energy to listen to and play with them. Take care of yourself so you can be a healthy role model for them and so you can enjoy life. It is meant to be fun after all. Blessed BE. Amen.

Channeled by Jodi-Anne (05 Aug 2015).

See more answers to pertinent life questions on the Life Insights page of this website.

What are the most beneficial parenting actions?

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Parenting

parent glowAnything that parents do which makes a child feel loved, accepted, wanted and cared for is beneficial. There is no set formula, it will be different in each household.

Basic ingredients include listening to the child, telling them they are loved, spending time with them, complimenting them when they do something right / behave appropriately. Praise creates a sense of pride in the child who will want to do the right thing again to receive further praise. It helps to build healthy self esteem and a sense of ‘I can do things, I am capable’ which are great core beliefs to have.

positive-parenting-nurtureSpending time together outdoors in nature is powerful connector for the child to Source and to the flow of life. Children love to play in nature, to watch the plants and insects go through their life cycle. Have a vegie and flower garden that kids can help you with. Teach them to value and respect the Earth as well as each other.

It is important for children to interact with others their own age, but it is preferable if this is unstructured play so they can use their imaginations and creative side of the brain. Too much structured play and competition with self – to do better each time, or competition with others forces a more linear, rational side of the brain to become dominant. Then a child is less spontaneous, more robotic, more determined to succeed at the expense of all else. Let them be children. Let them play.

Don’t set goals to achieve or place pressure on them to learn languages, music, etc if they have not expressed an interest in it or they don’t enjoy it. Let their lives be joyous and if that is their foundation it will be easier for them to be joyous throughout their lives. Don’t deaden them to achieve, work hard and sacrifice their dreams and desires to fit in or to be ‘realistic’ and succeed in life.

A successful life is one where the person is happy within and is being of service to the whole / to the community, doing something they love. It may be music, art, gardening, sport or a hobby that fills their heart and others hearts with joy – an act of beauty that touches people.  It doesn’t have to be financially successful. That is a poor measure of a successful life. Yes, you want them to be comfortable and able to support themselves and any future family they have, but it is best done through a job that they enjoy, rather than one they feel they should do.

Give them the freedom to do what they want and they will succeed. Encourage any natural talents and tendencies they show from a young age – that is often their gifts showing through. If they show great interest in building things then help them through buying them the kits to construct different devices. If they show aptitude in music then buy them the musical instrument of choice for them to use. Support them to follow and maximize their passion, then they will enjoy life more fully. They will know it is okay to do what they want and that they deserve to have what they want.

Don’t worry about making them an all rounder. Some kids are athletic, some aren’t. Don’t try to force a square peg in a round hole. It hurts kids quite a lot when they are forced to do something they don’t like. They often feel pathetic, not good enough, not capable, etc which is not a beneficial set of core beliefs to foster. Better off to let them revel in what they are good at. It is okay to help them build the skills in other areas in a fun, playful way – just don’t force them to spend lots of time on it, don’t be too serious about it and make it clear that you love them no matter what. They need to know they are loved for who they are, not for what they can do. Give lots of positive feedback and tell them they are loved and special. Then they will grow with a strong sense of self esteem.

It is good for kids to do chores, to help around the house, to learn that you all have certain tasks to do to help the family enjoy life. Do not make these boring or hard work. Make chores fun by playing games as you clean up rooms or do dishes. Teach them to use their imaginations when doing a repetitive task. You can have quite a fantasy going through your mind as you do a simple task such as weeding the garden or mowing the lawn. Thank them for helping. Tell them you are proud of their kindness and support their passions.

Most children will thrive under these conditions. It is only when they are yelled at, belittled, left alone too much, etc, that they develop a low sense of self esteem and that makes everything harder as their starting thoughts are ‘I can’t’ instead of ‘I can’.

You set up their core beliefs from what they experience in the first 6 years of life. Everything they see, hear, feel gets absorbed into their minds and forms their core conditioning. Help it be positive through providing a loving home, kind words of praise and acceptance, and a fun atmosphere in which to learn and grow. Then the kids will thrive.

It’s okay for the parents to work or for a child to go to day care. It is not about quantity of time together as much as quality. If a child feels safe and loved at home and at child care then they will thrive. If they feel unsafe then they won’t. So find the right place and people to care for your child so he/she has fun, feels loved and thrives regardless of the fact that you are not there. When you do get time together make sure you do pay attention and connect deeply with your child, listening to how their day has been, asking questions and sharing stories. Cook tea together or do dishes together so that you get to have enough time connecting. Once a child feels seen / heard, their cup is full of love, then they are content to be on their own or with others. They don’t need to be with you all the time or even interacting closely with you. A child who has had their needs met will happily go play by himself or with others, as he/she is content, fulfilled, knows they are loved, accepted and okay. And that is what we wish for all children. Blessed BE. Amen.

By Jodi-Anne (25 June 2015).

Further free guidance on healing techniques and self love are available on the Life Insights and Healing from child abuse pages of this website.