This week I’m sharing a video that explores why trauma repeats through families. It is often completely unintentional, but a parent’s wounding from the hurts in their life can make it hard for them to be fully present and available to their children.
Despite their efforts, part of their energy is tied up with their past and has them metaphorically turned towards the past and away from the now. The kids feel this and grow with a sense of lack. Once they become parents the same process repeats unless they take action to heal, so they can face now being present fully and available to their kids who will then grow with a sense of fullness, of being seen, held and safe, knowing they belong and that they are okay.
Family Constellations is a modality that can help unentangle you from the past so that you can turn and be present to your now, more able to give and receive love.
In this video, Jodi-Anne explores ‘Why does trauma repeat through families?’ It is one of over 100 questions she has asked about life and channelled an answer through automatic writing. All of these answers to questions about life, how to live peacefully and happily are available for free on the ‘Life Insights’ page of her website.
This wise mother is accepting of her exes new partner, knowing that this woman is contributing to the love her daughter receives and knows that to bad mouth the new partner or her ex just creates drama and pain for all involved. Family Constellations shows us that bad mouthing your ex in front of the kids can also create entanglements and drive the kids to subconsciously choose to behave like the other parent out of loyalty to them. So the child who always heard about their no good, drunken, absent, womanising father is likely to become a drinker, a womaniser or mimic some other aspect of the father’s behaviour. The child does so out of blind love for the father. Avoid this by allowing love to flow in your words and actions, not judgment or hate. ❤❤
An entanglement is an enmeshment with another person that affects your ability to be yourself and do as you please. You are so caught up with the other person that your thoughts and feelings are tangled up with theirs. It is hard to know where you end and the other person starts, there is no boundary or separation, the two people are entwined, tangled together into one messy situation.
This comonly occurs when a child tries to take care of a parent. The child sensing the parent’s pain or inability to cope with their life, steps up and takes responsibility for helping reduce the burden on the parent. This is a reversal of the orders of love – parents are meant to give and children receive.
Children are meant to grow focussed on life, play, having fun and age appropriate issues. It is not normal for a child to be thinking about adult problems and trying to solve them. But children will do this out of loyalty, out of love and out of a desire to stay safe and keep their home. No matter how dysfunctional or painful a child prefers to stay with its parent, rather than be taken away into the unknown, even if that unknown is a more loving home with other family members or foster parents.
Our loyalty to our biological parents is huge and stays with us our whole life. If we violate that bond,if we judge or reject our parents we feel a loss, an emptiness, a sadness deep inside, as the flow of love from the family line has been blocked. We are refusing to accept our parents and our life as it is. In essence we are saying ‘NO to life’ and we suffer as a result.The life force flowing to us is diminished as we are saying NO to our parents, NO to their love, NO to receiving any energy or support from them. We are saying “NO, you are not good enough, I wanted more, someone different to you”. This is fighting against life, fighting against what is. These are your parents for better or worse, they are your parents. They gave you life and if that is all they gave you it is a true gift. At the very least accept that, be grateful for that.
As we heal we can come to see our parents as not just ‘parents’, but as people with their own issues, challenges and emotional hurts. If we are trying to fix them, change them, influence them, we are still entangled.We are still caught up unhealthily over involved in their energy and trying to control life. This is like standing in front of a dam that is cracking and trying to order the water to stay there, not to move. It won’t work. As the dam cracks the water is going to gush forth, because that is what water does, gravity does.
Your parents have their own lives to lead and it is not our place to judge them or be overly involved in their business, to be entangled like this stops us from living our lives fully. It is best to accept your parents as they are, to say ‘YES to life’, YES to receiving whatever goodness you can get from them and to accept that as all they can give you, to say “That is enough. What you can’t give me I will get from elswhere. Thank you Mum, thank you Dad, you are enough”. When we can say this and mean it we are freed from the entanglement. The love strength and support from the family line can flow to us, helping us, supporting us to live more fully. We are accepting our place in life and letting ourselves receive the goodness from our family line.
Reaching that place of acceptance can be a long journey. It takes time to grieve what could have been, what you felt should have been and to accept what was and is. That is the journey of life. It is true and authentic emotional release work required until you do feel peaceful inside and accepting of your family.
You could choose to stay in judgement and anger over what has happened or hasn’t happened in your life, but this just punishes you and limits you and your ability to live life joyously. Best to untangle the web, to break free and accept what is and make the most out of it. This is one form of entanglement that can have a massive impact on a person’s life.
Another kind of entanglement occurs when a child takes on a burden for the ancestors present or ancient. It can be a sibling not wanting to live fully because they see their brother or sister afflicted with an illness or who died and they feel guilty for living or being able to do what the other could not. In essence they wish to join the lost sibling. This will result in poor health for themself or some other dysfunction in their lives, as in essence they are saying NO to life, NO to goodness, abundance, health and vitality. They are saying I don’t deserve this or I have no right to this. It is self sacrifice out of loyalty, out of love and entanglement with the fate of the other.
Instead of dying for the other choose to stay a while longer, choose to live fully for them, to do what they could not do, to achieve whatever you desire and to join them when it is your proper time.Whether it was a sibling who died young, your parent or your own child, you do not have to follow them into the grave. You can live and hold them in your heart, feel them in your heart. They are there, their energy is available to you. Your ancestors long dead watch you, pray for you and send you love. They want you to succeed and to advance the family line. It is okay to feel your sadness and to move through it back to peace and happiness.
Another type of entanglement which sounds a little more bizarre, occurs with past relatives whom you may not have even met.It is possible that a young woman having difficulties with infertility is actually entangled with a great Aunt who never married. The energetic connection is such that the present soul put up their hand to relate, to repeat the pattern that occurred in the family line. The same occurs with members of the family who suffered tragedies such as loss of a loved one, death, murder, suicide, etc. A present family member who is connected to the past ancestor may also have suicidal thoughts or mental health problems, they may have financial difficulties or other challenges in life.
Sometimes it is as if the current family member is atoning for the sins of the previous ancestor – they struggle to make up for the wrong doing of the other. In different situations it is as if the family member present today chooses the same fate out of love for the other, wanting to empathise with them.Either way it is not helpful to the present person and it hinders their ability to live their life fully.
When the entanglement is identified and healed the person is free to live how they like. They can consciously honour the past family member and their fate, but choose to be free of the entanglement now, with love and respect, bowing to the ancestor and leaving it with them. This is core Family Constellations work and it is beautful to watch these resolutions occur and people being freed from the knots that have bound them and limited their ability to enjoy their lives. With the knots untied they can walk forward easily to do what they wish, without hindrance. May we all walk freely and enjoy our lives. Blessed BE. Amen.
The family soul is the collective energy that surrounds a lineage of people from the same family. It contains all the memories and experiences of everyone in the family.
When there is trauma or exclusion a wound occurs to the family soul, a distortion of the energy, so instead of love flowing through the family line, pain now flows from the ancestors to the current and future generations. This also occurs when the orders of love are reversed, for instance if a parent is absent and a child does not receive the nurturing and connection it needs. The absence may be due to war, abandonment, physically if a child is given up for adoption or if a parent themselves is sick, unavailable emotionally or physically. When a parent is ill or emotionally unavailable, often the child will try to ‘give’ to the parent to help them cope or feel better. The child takes on responsibilities that are not theirs to carry – it may be helping out a lot around the house or caring for the other children or even caring for the parent. The orders of love are reversed in this instance as the flow of energy is child to parent, instead of it being the parent giving and the child receiving.
It also occurs when someone is excluded from the family, because everyone does belong to the family system, no matter what they have done. Excluding someone is like throwing a block, a big boulder into the flow of the family soul, the river of lifeforce energy flowing to all people. The block diminishes the amount of energy available to all people. Worse it creates a tear in the fabric of the family soul that will only be healed when that excluded person is bought back into your heart. If this does not occur, someone in future generations will subconsciously choose to relate to the excluded person and will end up feeling like they are not accepted or don’t belong, they will repeat the fate of the excluded individual as the family system attempts to heal the wound.
It is just like our personal journeys where life presents us with a repeating situation until we learn the lesson. This is the same thing, but at the family level.Discovering this enables those who are suffering to resolve it by welcoming the excluded person back into their heart, energetically welcoming them back to the family system and restoring them to their rightful place. This allows the lifeforce energy to then flow freely again to all members. This occurs at the soul level, energetic level, it does not have to be physically and often it is an ancestor long dead who was excluded and in need of reconnection to their rightful place in the family.
If there has been trauma in the family system, be it war, violence in the home, tragedy from loss of children, divorce, early death of parents, etc then this trauma can also pass through the family system to the current and future generations. It is as if the unresolved pain seeps through the blood of all involved instead of love, strength and support.This too can be healed so that those affected are freed from their over reactions to situations, the inappropriate feelings or thoughts they may have that don’t seem to be appropriate or consistent with their life experiences. For instance persistent suicidal thoughts or depression or anxiety could actually be resulting from entanglements with past family members, you are feeling their feelings, they are not actually your thoughts. These cease once the wound in the family soul is healed by acknowledging the tragedy, the loss and giving it it’s rightful place, allowing all to feel and move through the situation, instead of being stuck and controlled by it.
The family soul is a container of energy around all members of the same lineage, when all is well in a family you can feel the flow of love, flowing from the ancestors to yourself and the other current family members. This energy strengthens you, supports you and encourages you to live your life as you wish to do so, for you are the leading edge of consciousness, the person now evolving while here on Earth and expanding the consciousness within the family. The ancestors want you to succeed and do well, they want you to thrive and advance the family line. This is life as it was meant to be. This support is available once you heal any blockages to its flow. It is worth doing and quite easy when you know how.
There are many methods that can help. Family constellations is one of these, where the field supplies the information about what is missing and blocked and needs to be resolved within the family system. The challenge then is to feel what needs to be felt, forgive all involved and welcome them back into your heart. It is a similar task to our personal issues, just with some larger influences. It is a part of our evolution, our connectedness and oneness with the fabric of life. So be it. Amen.
Trauma that cannot be processed by one family member, because it is overwhelming, they do not have the skills or knowledge of how to process it, or do not have the will to feel it and release it, will be passed on genetically to the next generation.It also of course affects the rest of the current generation due to the unavailability of the traumatised person who will be isolated within themselves, possibly numb emotionally and distant in their ineracting with others, be they their children or siblings.
Trauma stays within the body and freezes part of the person’s energy, it is literally stuck, frozen in time within them, locked into when the trauma occurred. It stays in the body until it is processed and if it is not processed then it remains locked in place, creating internal tension and dis-ease.
No individual wants this to occur or be passed on to their existing children or grand children. It is not an intentional thing, it is an automatic thing. If Dad has died in the war then Mum is going to be mourning, she is not going to be able to be present fully for the children or meet their emotional needs. The children will sense Mum’s pain and feel their own loss and mourning, so they will try to get Mum to feel better, so they can get the attention they need. If it doesn’t work they eventually give up trying and switch off, shut down emotionally, feeling empty, unloved, unsatisfied with life.
The pattern then repeats when they marry and try to get the attention they missed out on from their husband or wife. No matter how loving the partner is, they cannot make up for the emotional pain or love deficit from their partner’s childhood, so it will feel unloving or not enough. They may try hard to give enough, to do extra, be extra affectionate and giving, they may try to fill that hole in their partner. Eventually they realise no matter what they do it is not enough, it doesn’t work and they are exhausted from trying, so they switch off, shut down, isolate and become emotionally numb as well, so the pattern continues. No malice, no cruelty, just life when there is trauma within one or both partners in a relationship.
So how do you resolve it? By becoming aware of the trauma within, by creating a safe enough space that you can feel it, acknowledge it and let it dissolve. By seeing your defense mechanism and games you have used to protect yourself from it.
Have you kept yourself so busy that you can’t feel?
Have you been saving the world, feeling righteous putting all your energy into others or a cause, but neglecting yourself, avoiding yourself and your inner world?
Have you been pleasing others, doing for others, hoping that they will love and accept you and you will feel that you are okay, lovable and worthwhile?
Have you been isolating yourself from others, keeping a low profile, so as not to be seen or to avoid any possible further trauma? By being preoccupied with avoiding it, you stay stuck in it and will have difficulty exeriencing any joy in life.
There are many defensive mechanisms that people use to try and keep safe or to avoid their feelings. Looking good so to avoid rejection, fearing you won’t be accepted as you are, so you try to be, look, do everything perfectly. This is exhausting. It is no wonder people end up depressed or ill, their life force is being frittered away with fear and their over reactions to it.
To clear the trauma and stop passing it onto our kids we need to become emotionally aware and savvy in processing how we feel.Learn to go within and sit inside yourself, breathe, let the emotion surface and breathe through it, let it be released, felt into completion. It can’t be avoided. It has to be acknowledged and felt. Thank the defense mechanism for keeping you safe, but choose to be present for yourself and your inner child now.
It is this inner child part of you that needs your reassurance, your love, your acceptance. It needs you to become the good parent to yourself, to know that you will look after him/her and protect her, you wil be the Adult guardian she felt was absent in earlier years. As she feels safer and you feel and release the pain, you will find you are not triggered by life any more, you can live more in the now and be there for those you love. Your children, if you have any, will notice this shift, they will feel your presence and they will absorb your love, your attention, and you can meet their emotional needs, fill up their inner cup with love so it is overflowing, then they can acept themselves and enjoy their lives.
If their cup does not get filled and they feel empty, forlorn, they will at a soul level choose to take some of your pain, some of your trauma so you feel better and then you might be able to love them more. They abandon themselves to care for you. This is a reversal of the orders of love and is damaging for all involved. Parents are meant to give and children receive. However, it is often reversed in many families when the parents are hurt, injured or unavailable, whether that be due to illness, addiction or absence.
Children try to make the parent happier, they may try to be neater or tidier, they may help out with the housework or try to cheer the parent up with jokes, they may try to steal the attention through getting into trouble to distract you from your pain or they may even sacrifice their own health, choosing to get ill so you will focus on them and not feel your own pain. Children are so loving, but this is not healthy behaviour.
In doing this chldren miss out on being kids, they grow up way too fast and this stunts their natural growth and emotional development. It locks trauma, pain and loss within them and so the cycle repeats. When they have their own children they will sense the parent’s pain and do the same thing, hence it passes through the generations. No malice, not deliberate, done out of love, of wanting to help and of not knowing how to heal the underlying issue of emotional pain and trauma.
Thankfully in today’s world we do have the knowledge of how to heal trauma, how to bring love back into the family system and to correct any reversals of flow, so that the younger generations can receive the love and support they need and deserve from the ancestors behind them.
Family Constellations and other methods can help individuals to heal their family systems, enabling hope and love to exist for all family members. There is much more that can be said about this in future blogs, for now this is enough, to understand that trauma passes through families until love is restored.
Each family member can find peace and happiness when the blocks to love are removed. It can be done, support is available and you can learn the skills to feel your emotions and release that which is locked away inside you. It is possible, it is worth doing and your children thank you, because then they don’t need to do it for you, the burden they carry for you is transformed, freeing them to enjoy their lives more. Such love, such loyalty, such strength and commitment to each other, that is what families are about and it is beautiful. Blessed BE, Amen.
Most people do not fully love themselves. They may like themselves a bit, think that they are okay, but they don’t cherish the precious being that they are. They don’t look at themselves with love and reverence. They don’t honour their bodily needs and treat themselves with the respectful thought, touch and actions that they would do for others.
Many of us have been taught to dislike ourselves. Life has shown us evidence that we are not lovable, good enough or okay. This is false evidence. It was just the interpretation of events that were not actually about you, even if it seemed they were.
Parents can rarely meet all needs of a child. It is too much to ask for. That is why traditionally they say it takes a tribe to raise a child. When one is tired and needs to rest, another steps in to care for the child. That way interactions can be mostly positive, loving, nurturing and accepting.
In today’s way of being parents are often trying to do it on their own or with occasional support from family or friends. The parents are tired, coping with work, money concerns, their own stuff as well as caring for the child. Out of exhaustion and frustration it is harder for all their interactions to be loving and kind to the child. There are times when they simply have nothing left to give and may feel resentful of the child and its needs. They may wish the child didn’t exist or they could give them away. This is just exhaustion. Just a lack of support in the way that modern life operates.
The children however can sense the above. They feel that Mum or Dad is not available, distant, angry or upset. They feel the absence of love and joy when Mum is depressed and lonely, struggling to cope. While the parents actions are not really about the baby itself, it will feel like it is. It’s not that it is the baby’s personality, the being that it is, that is the issue. It is the demands of parenthood in a time when that role is undervalued and unappreciated. It could be any baby and it would get the same response. However, as a baby and a child growing up we do assume it is about us personally. We may think ‘if only I was prettier, smarter, more like Mum, Dad, brother, sister – whoever does get the attention more easily – if only I was like them then I’d be lovable. Then I’d be okay’. This is the foundation of self loathing, self rejection and self denial. We start manipulating who we are to please others, to get approval, to fit in and receive love. It is all about LOVE.
In the early stages of life we need to be nurtured and looked after by others, mainly our families and friends who care for us and our welfare. Without touch and care babies do not thrive and gain weight. It physically damages them to be left alone and not cared for.Uncontrolled crying, being left to cry, actually releases cortisol into the baby’s blood stream, a stress hormone, that eats away, dissolves parts of the baby’s brain. It actually damages the brain physically.
So don’t let babies cry. Find a way to be there for them. Ask for help and support when you need it. Go outside into nature and let the Earth’s energy support you if noone else is around. Ensure that you do have plans in place for those times when your personal reserves are empty, when your gas tank is on zero. Have someone you can call on or text that can come help.
The breakdown of community and isolation that most people live in, makes this so much harder. So many people are lonely, scared to reach out to others for fear of rejection or further loss and pain. Instead they hide at home with their pets who provide them with their main source of love and affection.
If so many people are feeling lonely, unloved or deep down feeling perhaps they aren’t lovable, don’t deserve love or will never be loved, shouldn’t we just all take the risk to love each other, to meet each others needs? Acknowledge we are all carrying wounds around this and beliefs about ourselves that we need to change, emotional pain that needs to be felt and released, so that we can realise we are perfectly okay as we are. Take a step today and reach out to another human being. Offer your friendship, your love, your time and see what happens. Not all will accept, but some might and you only need one or two to start with. Offer them your heart and say ‘I will love and accept you as you are, will you do the same for me?‘ You may not say this out loud, but energetically it is what you are wishing to portray. Get out there, join social, sporting, art or other types of groups. Do what makes your heart sing and you will start to feel more fulfilled and full of love as you honour yourself and treat yourself in more loving ways.
There is much that you can do to show yourself that you are loved, lovable and deserving of good things in life. Tell your friends how you feel and you will be surprised that they feel that way too. We all have some self doubt and insecurities. We all have issues we are working through. Sometimes sharing with others is good. Other times put that aside and just have fun. Just go out and have fun. This is how you love yourself fully, by honouring your own needs and meeting them. By doing for yourself what your parents could not do. You choose to be there for yourself, to meet your needs, to rest when needed and have fun.You follow your heart’s messages and do what it desires. You risk opening up and connecting with others who feel safe and play together, honouring each other.
Love is not hard. It is our natural state, the most natural thing for us to do. We have just been conditioned to be wary of it due to life experiences.It could be school events where you were bullied or teased. It could be workplace incidents that led you to feel incompetent or not good enough. These issues can occur at any time of our life, but the seed of them is planted during our time in the womb and as a baby.
A foetus knows whether it is wanted or not wanted while growing in the Mother’s womb. The foetus receives the Mother’s blood supply and all the molecules of emotion it contains, through the umbilical cord. It carries this from the start, this knowing, and it forms the start of its identity. Preconception, pregnancy and birth truly are significant and important events which shape the personality of the child and its feeling of being loved or not, safe or not, wanted or not. These are times when tenderness and care are needed. When loving touch is needed. Ensure that these are times of love and joy, and your baby will flourish and grow with less doubts about self and his/her self worth.
The important thing to realise is everyone goes through this. We are all carrying degrees of ‘Am I okay?’ questioning. Realise you are. You are enough. You are perfectly enough exactly as you are. Find the courage to show yourself to the world and stand strong in who you are. You don’t need to play games for approval or modify yourself to fit in. Let it go and be yourself. Let it go and be happy with what you have and who you are. As you do so your inner world will flourish and your outer world will alter to match it. You are okay. You are lovable, and you do deserve the best in life. Do the healing necessary so you believe in yourself and live life freely as the beautiful human being that you are. Blessed BE. Amen.
Talk to your child to be and welcome them into your heart and the world.The embryo can hear your thoughts, feel your love and speak your language while growing – the language of love, of light, and harmony. The higher your vibration the more vital the energy flowing to the baby enabling luscious growth and development.
Sing, dance and play with your child to be, tell it what you are doing and why. Introduce it to people and explain who they are and the role they will play in the child’s life once born. In doing this you are introducing your child to its tribe, to build its sense of belonging, of being loved, and of the world being a loving, welcoming place.
Do your best to keep your thoughts positive and have fun. The vibration of joy, love and gratitude are very beneficial. Know that it is okay to feel low, sad or angry at times. It won’t harm the baby’s growth and development, but do your best to bring yourself back to balance and peace when you can. As long as the balance of your time you feel good, then the baby can grow healthily in your belly.
If you are in despair, depression, fear or rage for too long it will affect the baby’s development. Even your science now shows this leads to development of more brawn and less brain, as the fetus develops so it can fight and survive in the harsh world that its parents perceive. So try not to be in that space. If you do feel or think that way then see a therapist to help you shift those negative feelings and come into balance.
The more secure and safe you can feel during the pregnancy, the more the child will feel that when born.Your beliefs and experiences during pregnancy greatly shape the developing child. If Mum is anxious, baby may become anxious in disposition. The baby feels all of the Mother’s emotions and is affected by them. So the more loving and joyful you can be the better.
Have fun with your child. Let them know they are loved and wanted and you will encourage them to be whoever they want to be. Don’t setup pressures or expectations that the child must fulfill. Don’t create drama about how you are going to cope financially or emotionally. Visualise it all going well. Visualise happily ever after. Of course there will be challenges, but the more positive you can be the better. At all times send love to your developing child – just think of them and visualise love going into them. Gold light is good to send to them too. This strengthens the bond and connection.
Eat well and rest when needed. Your body will do the rest of it. Nothing for you to force or make happen. Surrender and allow. Don’t stress too much or fight against what is needed. If you have to rest all day, so be it. Your body is developing a baby. It is doing one of the most important jobs there is. This is where your life force energy is focused at the moment, so accept you may not be able to do everything else you want to at the moment. Let it all go. Trust that what needs to happen will and everything else can wait or isn’t truly needed.
Love, light, rest, play, visualise, have fun, read stories, colour in, sing and dance. All of these things are beneficial as is meditation and stillness. You are teaching your baby how to live by what you do. Are you showing them life is about having fun and being happy? Or are you showing them you have to push hard and work to achieve your goals? Where is your focus – your head or your heart? All of this affects the developing fetus and the personality of your child.
A lot of programming occurs while in the womb and this can affect the person the rest of their lives. So ideally make it good by being happy yourself. Again, don’t get upset if you have a bad day or a time of fear and panic. Just breathe and balance back up and talk to your baby explaining what you are doing and how you are regulating your emotions and thoughts. This role modelling of emotional intelligence and conscious awareness introduces the child to these concepts and abilities. It is a great head start for them and building a positive self esteem. As they grow and live life you can continue to teach these skills in playful ways enabling them to succeed in life – to live consciously, with self awareness and connection to their hearts.
There is much you can do through pregnancy to help your developing child. Mostly it is all centered around being loving, taking good care of yourself and connecting to your baby.Play music you like, read kids books to your baby in your belly. When they are born that music and those stories will be soothing to them, familiar, a safe space. Make your home a nourishing, beautiful space you enjoy being in, then baby will feel loved and secure there too. Most of this Mothers do automatically. It is easy and natural. Nothing fancy needed. Just love. You will do fine. Enjoy the experience. Blessed BE. Amen.
A child disobeys when they feel unheard, unvalued, their view not considered important enough to be listened to. A child disobeys when they don’t understand why they are being asked to do a certain thing. They rebel when what they are asked to do ‘feels wrong’ and takes them away from their joy, their heart’s guidance.
Some times it is appropriate for a child to disobey, to learn assertiveness, to set boundaries. Some times disobeying is the healthiest action they can take to honour themselves and their needs. It is not always wrong or destructive to disobey.
If it is a small child, a toddler, the best way to respond is to calmly explain why you need them to do what you are asking them to do.“Mummy needs you to be quiet now, because she is tired and needs some rest. You know what it is like to be tired and sad, don’t you? How about having a cuddle with Mummy and a nap?” A child will empathise with this information. They will understand why it is beneficial to you for them to be quiet and what’s more you have created a win-win situation. To the child they now have the opportunity to choose connection and receiving love / affection / nurturing, which feels good to them – and as a bonus they will get to feel proud of themselves for helping Mummy – win, win, win!
Try to create such beneficial solutions so the child gets to choose something that meets your needs and theirs. By creating a win-win there is less need for struggle or resistance.
If it is an older child, 6 or 7, then you can explain things in a little more detail. You can ask them how they are feeling and what they need right now. There is a reason for their behaviour. If you can understand the thoughts behind it, you can then discuss alternative ways of seeing situations and choices of how to react. Teaching and role modelling emotional intelligence is important.
“Remember last week when Mummy stubbed her toe on the fridge, she hopped and screamed until it stopped hurting. Mummy was tempted to throw something in anger or to hit the fridge, but she didn’t did she? What did Mummy do? That’s right, Mummy stood still and breathed deeply until the pain stopped. That breathing allowed all the anger to flow out of her and back into Mother Earth. Next time when you get angry let’s try breathing through it and seeing the anger flow out of us back to Mother Earth?
Shall we practice now? When were you last angry? What was it about? Imagine that now, can you see it? How does it feel? What do you want to do? Okay, let’s practice visualising / seeing the anger as energy inside us, see it flowing our our body, down into the Earth. Great! How did you go?”
Doing these types of activities fosters closeness between you and your child, as well as helping them build skills in controlling and releasing their emotions. Remember you are their role model, they learn from what you do. If they see you raging about traffic blocks or income limits or whatever else, then that is how they learn to respond to life’s challenges too. So, be the best role model you can be. And if you slip up and you do something less than ideal explain to them what happened, so you both learn from it and so they are not scared of you and your reactions.
“I am sorry Mummy yelled at you, but this is the third time this week that you have tracked mud inside on your shoes. Mummy doesn’t enjoy cleaning the floors over and over again. I just got upset at the thought of having to do it again, and I felt like you hadn’t listened to me. When you don’t listen Mummy feels hurt like you don’t care about what Mummy says. I know you probably just forgot and you didn’t do it deliberately. And I know you certainly didn’t do it to hurt Mummy’s feelings, but that is how I felt.
Do you remember how upset you got when Tommy kept taking your truck and hiding it? It is the same sort of thing. How did that feel to you? That’s right, you didn’t like it, you felt like Tommy was mean and selfish. Mummy felt like that too, like you didn’t care you were making a mess and that Mummy would clean it up. How about we clean it up together and we put a sign on the door at your height so that you see it before coming inside from playing in the backyard? Should we make the sign together? Yes, okay, how big should it be? What colours do we need? …………”
In this way you are teaching the child problem solving and emotional intelligence skills. You are making it clear it is the behaviour that you dislike. It is not the child itself that you are unhappy with. This distinction is very important. If you imply the child is careless, stupid, lazy, clumsy, inconsiderate, etc, then they will feel bad about them self and naturally will respond with hurt feelings – sulking, tantrum, lashing out. They will feel wounded by your words and feel bad about themselves. This is not helpful, it adds to low self esteem and feeling not good enough. Make it clear it is the behaviour you didn’t like and you can choose to behave differently. Therefore “It is not you, just your choices that I would like to see change. I love you, I honour you, I am grateful you are my son, I just need you to help me out sometimes by listening to what I say and doing what I ask.”
Of course there are times when it won’t work, no matter what you say. If a child is over tired, exhausted, hungry there is no point trying to reason with them then. Let them rest. Let them rebuild their energy reserves, then you can talk about it.
Sometimes you need to postpone your needs being met and look at what the child is going through. “Honey, why are you so upset? You came in from school and threw your bag against the wall and stormed off into your room. Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?” This would be a more helpful response than yelling at the child for leaving his or her bag and stuff lying around. If you take the time to listen to them and their emotions, they are much more likely to listen to yours, when you need to explain something to them.Be compassionate. Be empathetic. Be honest and sincere. And most of all be loving.
If it is a teenager who is being disobedient, you need to pick your battles. Let minor things go and only challenge them on issues that you believe are serious enough to warrant discussion.
Teenage years are very challenging for all concerned. As a teen the child is experiencing volatile changes in their body, raging hormones, they are questioning who they are and their value. “Am I smart enough, pretty enough, am I going to succeed in life or not?” They are going through a deep reflective time where they soul search. They may not like who they are or what they have in life, they may doubt their ability to have a happy life and these are heart breaking questions to grapple with. There is lots of fear, anguish, grief and anxiety. This can bottle up until it explodes out in anger or tears. They are going through a lot so give them space. Let them know that you love them and you are here for them if they want to talk about it. They may not want to. They may feel too embarrassed to do so or be so confused inside that they can’t put how they feel into words. Honour them and this process.
Let them know you love them regularly. Let them know you are proud of them and believe in them. Compliment them on their abilities and when you see them doing something positive.“I’m really proud of how you handled that situation. You were very polite and considerate giving that old lady the chance to sit on your seat in the bus. That was a very nice thing to do.” “Thank you for tidying up your stuff without me asking you to do it. It makes me really happy to see that you will be able to keep a neat, healthy home when you are older” “But, Mum, I just needed to find something, I wasn’t doing it deliberately.” “I know honey, I’m just glad you did it”.
If you can compliment children often, you help them to build a sense of ‘Yes, I am okay. I am a good person. I can do things’. These are all positive core beliefs which will help build self esteem and their ability to lead a healthy, happy life.
Children are no different to us adults. Some times they are wiser as they haven’t learned to filter their thoughts or ignore their emotions. They haven’t learned to suppress their needs to please others. They can be more emotionally honest in this sense – even if it is turbulent and explosive!
We all need to build our stress management and emotional intelligence skills. If you get upset at your child, ask yourself ‘Why am I reacting? What am I assuming?’ You may find that you are feeling disrespected, not cared for or loved. That is your issue from your past, for you to resolve. Your child was not deliberately disrespecting you when they ate candy before dinner. They saw candy, went yum and ate it. They feel good eating candy and wanted to feel good. That’s as complex as it gets. They didn’t stop to think about the impact or consequences of eating it and they certainly didn’t think ‘I want to piss Mum off, I know, I am going to eat all this candy, make myself sick on sugar, and refuse to eat my dinner. That will upset her. Yeah, I’m going to do that!’
Kids just do what feels good – they play, sing, dance, laugh, roll in the mud, etc. They are not plotting against you. There is no such thing as a willful child. Look at the situation from their perspective and see what they see.Squeezing the toothpaste all over the floor is fun – it makes noises, it squelches, it comes out in patterns, it ….. If you don’t want them to do it, remove it from their reach. Remove the temptation.
And take care of yourself so that you are not exhausted and reactive. Take care of yourself so you do have the energy to listen to and play with them. Take care of yourself so you can be a healthy role model for them and so you can enjoy life. It is meant to be fun after all. Blessed BE. Amen.
Channeled by Jodi-Anne (05 Aug 2015).
See more answers to pertinent life questions on the Life Insights page of this website.
Anything that parents do which makes a child feel loved, accepted, wanted and cared for is beneficial. There is no set formula, it will be different in each household.
Basic ingredients include listening to the child, telling them they are loved, spending time with them, complimenting them when they do something right / behave appropriately. Praise creates a sense of pride in the child who will want to do the right thing again to receive further praise. It helps to build healthy self esteem and a sense of ‘I can do things, I am capable’ which are great core beliefs to have.
Spending time together outdoors in nature is powerful connector for the child to Source and to the flow of life. Children love to play in nature, to watch the plants and insects go through their life cycle. Have a vegie and flower garden that kids can help you with. Teach them to value and respect the Earth as well as each other.
It is important for children to interact with others their own age, but it is preferable if this is unstructured play so they can use their imaginations and creative side of the brain. Too much structured play and competition with self – to do better each time, or competition with others forces a more linear, rational side of the brain to become dominant. Then a child is less spontaneous, more robotic, more determined to succeed at the expense of all else. Let them be children. Let them play.
Don’t set goals to achieve or place pressure on them to learn languages, music, etc if they have not expressed an interest in it or they don’t enjoy it. Let their lives be joyous and if that is their foundation it will be easier for them to be joyous throughout their lives.Don’t deaden them to achieve, work hard and sacrifice their dreams and desires to fit in or to be ‘realistic’ and succeed in life.
A successful life is one where the person is happy within and is being of service to the whole / to the community, doing something they love. It may be music, art, gardening, sport or a hobby that fills their heart and others hearts with joy – an act of beauty that touches people. It doesn’t have to be financially successful. That is a poor measure of a successful life. Yes, you want them to be comfortable and able to support themselves and any future family they have, but it is best done through a job that they enjoy, rather than one they feel they should do.
Give them the freedom to do what they want and they will succeed. Encourage any natural talents and tendencies they show from a young age – that is often their gifts showing through.If they show great interest in building things then help them through buying them the kits to construct different devices. If they show aptitude in music then buy them the musical instrument of choice for them to use. Support them to follow and maximize their passion, then they will enjoy life more fully. They will know it is okay to do what they want and that they deserve to have what they want.
Don’t worry about making them an all rounder. Some kids are athletic, some aren’t. Don’t try to force a square peg in a round hole. It hurts kids quite a lot when they are forced to do something they don’t like. They often feel pathetic, not good enough, not capable, etc which is not a beneficial set of core beliefs to foster. Better off to let them revel in what they are good at. It is okay to help them build the skills in other areas in a fun, playful way – just don’t force them to spend lots of time on it, don’t be too serious about it and make it clear that you love them no matter what. They need to know they are loved for who they are, not for what they can do. Give lots of positive feedback and tell them they are loved and special. Then they will grow with a strong sense of self esteem.
It is good for kids to do chores, to help around the house, to learn that you all have certain tasks to do to help the family enjoy life. Do not make these boring or hard work. Make chores fun by playing games as you clean up rooms or do dishes. Teach them to use their imaginations when doing a repetitive task. You can have quite a fantasy going through your mind as you do a simple task such as weeding the garden or mowing the lawn. Thank them for helping. Tell them you are proud of their kindness and support their passions.
Most children will thrive under these conditions. It is only when they are yelled at, belittled, left alone too much, etc, that they develop a low sense of self esteem and that makes everything harder as their starting thoughts are ‘I can’t’ instead of ‘I can’.
You set up their core beliefs from what they experience in the first 6 years of life. Everything they see, hear, feel gets absorbed into their minds and forms their core conditioning. Help it be positive through providing a loving home, kind words of praise and acceptance, and a fun atmosphere in which to learn and grow. Then the kids will thrive.
It’s okay for the parents to work or for a child to go to day care. It is not about quantity of time together as much as quality. If a child feels safe and loved at home and at child care then they will thrive. If they feel unsafe then they won’t. So find the right place and people to care for your child so he/she has fun, feels loved and thrives regardless of the fact that you are not there. When you do get time together make sure you do pay attention and connect deeply with your child, listening to how their day has been, asking questions and sharing stories. Cook tea together or do dishes together so that you get to have enough time connecting. Once a child feels seen / heard, their cup is full of love, then they are content to be on their own or with others. They don’t need to be with you all the time or even interacting closely with you. A child who has had their needs met will happily go play by himself or with others, as he/she is content, fulfilled, knows they are loved, accepted and okay. And that is what we wish for all children.Blessed BE. Amen.
Anything that harms the child is not desirable. Most do not realise the damage their actions cause. It is not harmless to smack your child. It teaches your child to fear you, to not trust you, to keep you at a distance, when a parent is the person the child should be able to trust and share with.
Likewise yelling and belittling a child makes them feel unsafe, unloved, unwanted and not good enough. No sane adult would want anyone to feel like that, but we don’t realise that is exactly what our children think and feel when they see us rage in frustration at them.
“It is fine to say Mummy or Daddy needs time out now, I am upset with your behaviour, it wasn’t very nice and I need to calm down before I can play some more”. It is fine to say that. It is not okay to call the child selfish, stupid, dumb, etc or worse to say they ruin everything, you wish they hadn’t been born, etc. Sadly many children do hear such things and it is like a dagger to the heart.
Instead role model to them the behaviour and style of interacting that you do want them to see and do. Show them how to be kind, caring and compassionate to others. What you do they learn. They learn much more from your behaviour than your words. Many don’t acknowledge this as it is inconvenient and does place a responsibility on you to role model appropriate behaviours at all times.
Remember it is okay to say “Mummy is tired and needs to rest or to have quiet time”. The child knows what it is like to be tired and can appreciate that. He/She then knows it is not that you are rejecting them, it is just that you need time to rest or time for yourself.
Meet their emotional needs then they can be more understanding of yours and help you meet them.A child whose cup has been filled with love and attention does not need to chase after you all day begging for love. He/She does not need to yell and scream to be noticed or to get attention. They can play quietly, happily knowing that they are loved and feel safe in their world.
A child exposed to volatile emotions, fighting, parental breakup, etc is going to be traumatised and need support to process their emotions – fear, anger and grief. They will need extra hugs. They will need time together and to be reassured that it is not their fault that the fighting is occurring. They need to know it is Mummy and Daddy’s business and not about them, that they are still loved, wanted and appreciated.
Too many children end up being the comforters of their parents in pain, rather than the parents comforting the children. This should stop. It is not the natural order of things and children who go through this suppress their own needs to be Mum or Dad’s little helper or hero. They are not meant to be your sounding board for your problems. They are not meant to know the details of your marital problems. To do so fills them with worry about issues they can’t fully understand or fix. It strips them of their innocence, their focus on living life joyfully in the moment. It takes them out of the moment into the future, constantly worried about what will happen next and trying to influence it or control it. They lose their ability to be a child as they are asked to be an adult too soon.
Don’t do this to your kids. Let them be kids. Let them play and marvel in nature. Let them have fun and chase butterflies. Let them play with pets and friends and know that they are loved always and all ways. That is what they need. Blessed BE. Amen.
