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Personal Development Relationships

How do you recognise when a relationship no longer serves you?

It can be hard to know when to let go and when to hold on. In this video, I discuss some signs to watch out for to help you get clarity.

Relationships occur to support your growth and expand your understanding of life. Through conflict and challenges in relationships, you learn to see your conditioning, your patterning and what it is you need to heal.

Simply leaving one partner and moving to the next one will result in repeating the lesson and confrontation which will surface once again hoping you will heal it and resolve the issue. Once you heal the issue inside you, you no longer need to manifest it in the outside world.

So how to tell if the conflict you face in a relationship is leading to beneficial growth and therefore is still a useful, supportive relationship or if it is time to leave? That is the million-dollar question.

If your relationship is generally happy, filled with love and supportive of you and your growth, then it is beneficial. If your partner accepts you as you are, cares for you and wants the best for you then it is clear that this is a beneficial relationship in which you can continue to grow.

Life will never be completely easy and relationships will always have their ups and downs. The challenge is not to run away too early or throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak.

It is a time of tumultuous growth on Earth. Much is being asked of you all and you are clearing out dense emotions and energy at a rapid rate. There are going to be times when you or your partner are bogged down in their stuff, where they are not able to see the light of day, where they appear stuck and hopeless. Will you love them at this point or leave them? Love stays. Love heals. Love reconnects the wounds within to the light of love and freedom.

Love and support each other through these challenges. See the good in each other, not the weaknesses. See the growth and changes occurring in all beings you interact with.

While there is love and support a relationship is worthwhile. When the love is gone or there is meanness, harshness and selfishness, then perhaps it is time to part. But not beforehand and don’t go too soon, as it may just be a healing crisis that can be worked through resulting in elevated energy/vibration for all.

Trust life to guide you forth. If you are meant to leave you will get a clear message. If you are confused then it is not time to go. Look at your own stuff to heal, focus there and keep healing your own stuff, raising your vibration and welcoming greater love and light into your heart, body and mind.

You are a being of love. It is only the wounds that stop you from seeing it and feeling it. Don’t reject yourself or others. Love them. Love them all. It is love that heals and reunites us.

If you are being abused by a partner by all means leave. But if there is love there, support and encouragement – see it, value it, appreciate it.

If you can talk heart to heart and connect deeply that is a gift, a powerful healing opportunity guiding you both to wholeness. Don’t turn away from such love because it is not your version of perfection.

All relationships will have challenges, that is what they are designed for. They help you clear out your conditioning and patterning. Will you love or reject the other when they are less than perfect? You too are less than perfect. Do they accept you? Are you being less loving than them?

It can be very complicated to see through all the projections and wounded aspects to see into the heart of the other. But try to do so. In their heart they are still pure, innocent souls. Each just needs love and acceptance to help them unlock the door to their heart and let their light shine.

That is why we bond in a relationship. We are looking for someone to love us as we are, which gives us permission to consider that we are worthy of love and are okay even with our wounds. When we feel this, we can let our guard down, the defences and walls dissolve and we can be vulnerable, authentic and intimate.

Without that acceptance, we don’t feel safe to expose our tender hearts and heal our deepest wounds. It is the love and safety that comes with intimacy – seeing into another’s true essence, that heals us both, all who participate in it. Be that loving. Be that supportive of each other and your relationship will continue to grow and evolve.

That is the goal of life – to evolve into conscious and loving light beings while living here on Earth. If you can still your mind and go deep within to the still place of your heart, you will hear the truth about your relationship and you will know what to do. The answers are within you, you just have to have the courage to hear them and the sense to patiently wade through all the static-like noise that comes from your projections and mind chatter.

Never take action rashly. Never leave or attack the other when you are feeling threatened/defensive/rageful. Breathe through those emotions and work through your stuff, so you come to a place of balance before talking to your partner or friend about the situation. In this way, you respond with honesty and love for both of you, as opposed to reacting full of initial emotion, which does not necessarily represent how you really feel.

You can use Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) to help you to release your frustration, stress and tension. It will help you to complete unfinished trauma activations from the past, so that you can relax, be more present and see how you feel based on today’s information, rather than being driven by past pain and disappointments.

TRE can help you to balance your nervous system, body and mind. It helps you to reach a place of greater peace and calm where you can enjoy socially interacting with others, not seeing threats or dangers where none is present.

Trust life to lead you forth. Let go of needing to control it all or figure it out. If you are confused it is not time to leave. It is time to look within and heal the buttons being pushed and the wounds beneath them.

Relationships are not meant to be warm and fuzzy all the time. They are tools for growth and learning how to love fully, accepting another as they are – not directing them to be your ideal man or woman.

They are who they are, accept them. Don’t try to change them or control them. That will only result in resentment and frustration on both sides. No one likes to be told they are not okay or not good enough. No one deserves to be treated that way.

Love everyone you come in contact with. That is what we all need, to open our hearts and become our true, authentic selves. So choose peace and happiness. Don’t take things personally and accept each other as you grow and evolve in love. That is how it should be. Blessed BE. Amen.

In this video, Jodi-Anne explores ‘How do you recognise when a relationship no longer serves you?’ It is one of over 100 questions she has asked about life and channelled an answer through automatic writing. All of these answers to questions about life, how to live peacefully and happily are available for free on the ‘Life Insights‘ page of her website.

Categories
Healing from child abuse Relationships Uncategorized

How do you stop being over controlling?

People are over controlling when they feel scared and vulnerable underneath. They micro-manage everything in an attempt to stay safe and have everything work out as they want it to. If another person does not behave the way they want, the first person is likely to get very angry as they fear the consequences of that person’s actions will be devastating.

Underneath it all is FEAR, lots of fear, hurt and sadness which has built up over the person’s lifetime. The controlling personality is just a defense mechanism to cover up the fear and protect their vulnerability.

In reality the process of over controlling is exhausting, it is done frantically, manically. It is not a peaceful process and it certainly isn’t kind. A controlling person can be very bossy and judgmental as they push through trying to force the outcome they need to feel safe.

They are not thinking about the other person’s feelings or needs, only their own. While this sounds selfish, it is not really. It is not coming from a place of my needs are more important than yours. It is coming from a space of ‘I need you to do this in order for me to feel safe, I am in danger unless you do this, you must do this, please do this’. It is a painful way to live, so desperate and afraid.

Many controlling people appear tough, cold, judgmental, unemotional, but that is just the mask they wear to cover up their vulnerability and fear. What the person really needs is to drop the mask, feel the feelings, release the hurt and sadness, learn to speak their truth in kind and loving ways. For instance:

‘I know I have been pushy and controlling wanting you to do certain things. I’m sorry that I have been so forceful. I was afraid that if you didn’t do those things, X would happen and that worries me. I’m scared Y will occur and I wanted to avoid that. I understand you don’t feel the same ways as me and you may have felt I was saying “You are not good enough as your are”. Please know that I never meant for you to feel that. You are a beautiful child of God on your own path of healing and wholeness. I was just scared and wanted to avoid what I feared would occur. What I really need is to say all of this to you and stop pretending to be strong. Can we work out a plan together to tackle this situation, then I can relax knowing that it will be okay.

When I start to get scared or frustrated can you please just give me a hug, help me to feel okay, safe, reassured that all is okay. I would love it if we could do that. I know it is not your job to look after me, I will look after me, I am just sharing how I feel. I will do my best to let go and trust you to do what is agreed to. I may slip up and be pushy occasionally – this has been a lifetime habit. If I do slip up just let me know and give me a hug. Please don’t get mad at me. I mean no harm, I’m just scared and need to be comforted and reassured. Thank you for loving me, listening to me, and caring for me. I love you and value you and want to treat you better and I will do so. Thank you’

If a person who has been over controlling like this can speak their truth, the armour can start to melt, they can let go of the rigidity, soften the emotions and feel their heart beat. They will need to learn self supportive talking techniques to reassure themselves whenever they start feeling vulnerable. They will need to learn positive thinking / thought stopping skills, so they can stop a negative thought in its tracks and change it to a more positive one. ‘Yes, I used to believe it would be a disaster if …. occurred. I know now that I would cope, even if it did occur. In all the years of worrying about …… it has never or rarely happened and even when it has, it hasn’t been that bad. I’ve coped. I’ve survived. I’ve learned and I’m okay!’

Free-Bird

Worry is pointless, it really is, let it go. Let go of wasting your days in fear. Let it go. Focus on your breathing and calm your body this way. Deepen your breathing as much as you can. Long breaths into the belly help your body to calm and to regulate itself. Fear chemicals will get dissolved and you can return to a state of balance and peace.

Know that those people who appear most rigid, have the most emotion locked inside them. They have not processed and released it. They have bottled it up inside and they are like a pressure cooker waiting to explode. They are under great internal pressure that they need to learn to regulate, to let the steam out little by little, in manageable ways until the pressure has dissipated.

The body actually has a natural mechanism to do this. It will ‘tremor’ to release the tension, stress and trauma that has accumulated in the body. You can activate the tremoring mechanism to safely discharge the blocked energy and calm your nervous system out of fight and flight back to peace. If you would like to learn more about the tremoring process see the Trauma and Tension Release Exercises (TRE) page of my website.

Processing the emotions underneath controlling behaviour will take time and courage to face the truth of your feelings and drop your personality mask. It requires a willingness to be vulnerable, to meet and reveal your true self, your inner child and all the hurts that have been hidden. Doing so leads to freedom, to inner peace, better relationships and more enjoyment of life. It is worth doing. Blessed BE. Amen.

By Jodi-Anne (29 October 2015).

Further free guidance on healing techniques and self love are available on the Life Insights and Healing from child abuse pages of this website.