Why is divorce so common?

Divorce occurs when two people lose their heart connection, their openness and willingness to be vulnerable with each other. They no longer feel safe enough, held enough, to express their truth. Fears and judgements come in and walls or defensive barriers come up, creating distance between them.

It is like they are on opposite sides of the room unable to touch and unable to find their way back to each other. For some this leads to sadness and despair. For others, it leads to anger and rejection. They push the partner further away in the false belief that it makes them safer, less vulnerable if they are creating the distance.

Usually, the love for each other isn’t actually lost. It’s just hidden away behind all of the emotional hurts and disappointments, the sense of loss and failure, the sense of not being enough, of having been naive to believe in the other person and your relationship.

Basically, grief takes over and becomes the dominant feeling. If a person doesn’t know how to process their grief and keep their heart open then they may drop into anger, rage, resentment or into collapse, depression, shut-down, numbness or they may escape literally leaving or fleeing in their mind dissociating from it all, pretending it’s not happening or distracting themself with addictions and other distractions.

If they could talk openly, genuinely, about how they feel and what had led to the distance between them, then they may find their way back to their heart-felt connection, their love for each other, but many don’t do this. They simply part not realising their love for each other is still there deep within.

It is a really painful process to let go of that which you’ve loved and treasured most deeply in your life. Devastating for the partners and even worse for the kids.

Before separating it is worth doing whatever you can to find your way back to your heart, to your truth and to speak openly and honestly with your partner. At least then you know you have done all that you can. If your partner isn’t willing to open up, to hear you, to speak their truth, then there’s not much you can do. Sending them love, doing loving things for them can help, but you may not be able to do this due to your own hurt.

Basically, we are wanting to soften the defence mechanisms, to bridge the distance between you, to bring you back closer together. This requires both parties to be willing to look within, to feel and to heal. It is vulnerable to do this, especially when you’re already feeling hurt.

Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) can help to shift some of the tension and stress you’re experiencing. It can help you release some of the contraction, the trauma so that you can access your heart again, your body’s wisdom and intuitive guidance. It can help you both to meet and talk from the heart, rather than from the head and ego.

TRE is well worth doing alongside self-reflection and other healing activities. These can be done on your own or under the support of a counsellor or TRE provider to assist you to find more balance, more calm and to be able to access a deeper level of knowing what you need to do next as guided by your inner self, your true essence. That will guide you more effectively than the mind and its’ ego judgements.

Divorce is not inevitable. It’s a choice people make when they see no other way forward together. Make sure you have explored all possibilities for reconnection before divorcing so you don’t have regrets or what-if questioning later on. You know in your heart what you want most. Take the risk to listen within and follow your heart’s guidance.

If after doing all this it is clear it is time to part then do so with ease, with grace, knowing that whatever and whoever is in line with your highest good will come when the time is right.

You may need to be alone for some time to heal, to start to open up and take risks again before you will be willing to let someone close. Honour your needs.

Divorce is common because it is an easy option when two people no longer feel in love. What they don’t realise is their relationship was bound to fail if they expected the other person to complete them and make them happy. That is impossible. Each has to complete themselves, find inner peace and happiness within themselves. Then two whole people can come together and share with each other, supporting each other’s continual growth. They can share their joy and love as it is overflowing from each other.

When couples join from a needy space, a space of I’m lacking something and I hope you will fix it, it doesn’t work. Temporarily it will seem to work, that your prayers have been answered, but it is false illusion. Eventually, the rose-tinted glasses will fade and you will judge the other person as not good enough, as problematic. When in reality they are fine. You are just projecting your own unfinished business onto them. You feel not good enough, so you project it out and judge them as that too. When you love and accept yourself completely it is easy to love and accept others too.

You don’t judge them as you recognise it is none of your business what the other person does. You don’t control them because you are not needy and your happiness doesn’t depend on what they do. You could walk away easily but you don’t because you enjoy watching the other grow and you don’t take their actions personally. You know what they do is a reflection of their inner workings and if you get triggered it shows you something inside yourself to heal/process. So you see challenge/conflict as a gift that leads you to more wholeness. You are teaching each other about self through your interactions and helping each other to grow. so the relationship and your love spirals upwards, positive growth to infinity, to Source connectedness.

Those that couple from a needy space spiral downwards into dark, murky depths of inner pain. The other doesn’t respond the way they want. They take it personally and take it as confirmation that they are not good enough, worthy or lovable. They blame the other for their pain instead of taking responsibility to heal their wounds. This escalates ultimately into separation and divorce and unfortunately repeating the pattern over and over if each doesn’t learn from their mistakes. Yes, their choices, not just the others choices.

It is up to each of us to take responsibility for our baggage and clear it up. Otherwise, we will never have a peaceful journey. Time alone allows the inner reflection and insight, awareness to dawn. It is good to have time being single then you can cling to your true partner – your heavenly father – who loves you just as you are. It is this love, this connection that you have been craving and fearing due to your many false beliefs about God and life.

Life truly can be fun and enjoyable if you heal your wounds and let the light in. Become whole in yourself then you don’t need another. Having someone as your partner is a bonus, not a necessity, and if they go it is okay as you know the next person destined to help you grow further will come when the time is right. You can not miss him/her. It is destined from before you were born. You made an agreement to meet at a certain time in your lives and share the journey together, supporting each other to grow, to know God, self and others as whole and complete.

This is the purpose of relationship, to help us evolve into loving, kind, compassionate beings who honour each other and share love and light with humanity. So be it. Amen.

By Jodi-Anne (12 June 2015).

Further free guidance on healing techniques and self love are available on the Life Insights and Healing from child abuse pages of this website.

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