It is very tempting when someone you love is in pain to want to try and fix it, to help them feel better, to make it go away, so you can enjoy each other’s company again. It is understandable that you would want to do this, for it is hard to see them in pain and not to feel pain yourself. But know you are not serving them if you try to distract them or if you get upset with them and they swallow the pain, so you feel better and won’t be upset with them any longer.
They need to feel, release and process their pain. They need to feel into its depths, express its impact on them, move through the emotions, back to a place of calm and peace. If you can’t allow them to do this, they stay stuck and so do you and your relationship.
So, how to stay strong in the face of someone else’s pain? Remember it is growth, and they will get through it. Remember it is temporary and will leave if you let them feel it fully into completion. Remember it is not all about you and that they need to go through this. Remember deep emotional pain can only be processed at a rate that the person’s body and consciousness can handle. It can’t be done all at once. It can’t be magicked away.
Telling them to go see a therapist to process it on their own, away from you, just blocks their flow more. Yes they could see a therapist and get help. They could take more action to heal and be, what you consider, as more responsible for their own healing. But remember they are not you. They are themselves and they need to find their own way.
Imagine how you would feel if you were in deep pain and someone told you to basically go away and only come back when you are in a good mood? You would feel unloved, uncared for and you would rebel, because it doesn’t feel right. You may get angry, stubborn and dig your heels in. The choice the other has made, makes it less likely you will get help and it distracts you from feeling the deep pain, because now you are preoccupied with being treated unfairly by one of the few people who you do trust and love and their reaction has you wondering whether or not that trust is unfounded.
As a partner it is true, you don’t want to be dragged down by a friend, family member or your partner’s bad moods. It can affect your ability to enjoy your own life. But it is probably only occurring occasionally and you too have the occasional bad day. How would you feel if they pulled away from you when you are feeling blue? It would hurt, wouldn’t it? What you really need at those times is a hug, is for someone to say “I’m sorry you are feeling sad, angry, whatever it is.” “I’m sorry you went through that, it has affected you deeply.” That is what the person needs most – to be loved, accepted, their feelings validated. They need to be heard. You don’t have to sit with them for hours listening to their story. You could, but you don’t have to. Just be supportive. Don’t make them feel wrong, bad, dumb for being upset. They have a right to feel the way they do. They may have lived through horrible circumstances.
Instead of hiding from the pain, honour it, allow it, accept it and let it transmute. When you fight against it, resist it, bottle it up, it has to explode out. If you give the person the space to feel how they feel it can come out more gently. So just love them, that is what is needed most. And what you need most is to support yourself, while you are supporting them. So you don’t become depleted, drained, and exhausted.
Sometimes it can feel as if being there for another drains all your positive energy away, you feel your vibration dropping, you feel yourself becoming annoyed, exhausted and flat. This is just your reaction to them. It is how you have chosen to respond. It may be you have reacted in fear – fear of their sadness or rage. It may be that you have reacted judgementally – thinking they shouldn’t do this to you or they should sort themelves out. You may have reacted wtih avoidance – wanting to escape and not be there. Any of these reactions create pain inside of you, and it is your pain that affects your energy levels, not what the other person is doing, saying or the energy they are emitting.
If you could meet their pain with love, if you could stand strong and shine your light into their darkness, if you could hold your focus on love and light and seeing the best in them, seeing them peaceful and happy, if you can just be with them and their energy and emotion, then your light would help liberate them. They could be freed from some of their burden and you could maintain your vibration and state of peace.
It is your internal reactions that affect how you feel after the interaction. So don’t hide or run away from people and isolate yourself. There is no need. Just work on being able to stay connected to Source while dealing with someone in emotional pain. Breathe deeply and stay present. Send love and light to your inner child and any parts of you that feel uncomfortable, tell yourself you are safe and it is okay. You can do all of this, while still being present for the other person.
If you are struggling to stay present to others look at how well you are being present to yourself. Are you exhausted or stressed yourself? If so do the work to look after your own needs so that you have more energy and can be more present.
Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) is a powerful process you can use to help release stress, tension and trauma from your body. By doing so your nervous system relaxes more enabling your body to be calmer, be able to interact with others more playfully as you know you are safe and you fee more peaceful inside. This helps you to stay grounded, to be in your body and able to stand strong in the face of another’s turmoil. By clearing out the stress within you, it gives you more capacity to deal with whatever life brings you. You don’t get shoved into overwhelm as easily. It is well worth using TRE to support yourself and enable you to more easily stay present to those in your life who you care about and want to be supportive of.
Remember they are in pain, they are struggling to cope. They need your support and light to help lift them out of their darkness. Don’t trap them in it by refusing to be present, to look at their pain. Be there. Be strong and loving and supportive to both of you. A time will come when the tables are turned and you will need their support, you will need them to be there for you. Be that support for each other and your relationship can blossom and flourish. Fight against their pain and your relationship will wither and die.
Know that they are so much more than their pain. The pain is just a small part of who they are and it will get less and less if it is acknowledged, accepted and allowed to be there. Fight against it and it will get bigger, louder and more violent in its ways of getting attention and trying to get respect and acceptance. The choice is yours.
Work on your own reactions and choose peace and love and joy in the face of another’s pain, hold the vibration of love and you can stay balanced, even in the murkiest, darkest waters of Hell. For that is where a person is, who is in deep emotional pain. They feel consumed by it, trapped by it, unable to break free from it. They feel in Hell and if their thoughts plummet and become negative, it becomes a repetitive loop. They feel like they are floating in a small boat, down rivers of darkness, with no knowledge of how to get out or where they are going. They need someone to shine a light for them, so they can see more clearly a direction out of the caves of darkness and into the light of day. Be that light. Be that love and you can both enjoy life at deeper levels. Blessed BE, Amen.