Category: Healing from child abuse

Snippets of wisdom…

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Conscious Evolution, Healing from child abuse, Personal Development

Snippets of wisdom channeled June 2013.

You don’t have to have a complex life. You don’t have to save the world, find the solutions. It is okay to do work you enjoy. It is okay to choose a simple life that fulfills you and brings you joy. This is the goal! To move beyond ego, beyond searching and seeking and be simple and still. To accept and flow with what is. To love life, serve yourself and others being anchored in God’s love.

This was a powerful message for me from my higher self. For most of my life I have felt driven to ‘save the world’, to ‘save Mother Earth’, to find the solutions for sustainability. I have known for a long time that this compulsive drive stemmed from my childhood conditioning – from wanting to save my Mother from an abusive husband (my step-dad), and from wanting to succeed enough that my Dad might take me back, might love me. My Dad loves nature and I spent a lot of time in nature with him when I was a young child, so in my mind it seemed natural to think that if I achieved in the sustainability field it would matter to him. Despite knowing the source of this pattern and the fact that my desire to rescue Mother Earth was just a projection of my needing to save myself, the pattern has remained in place. Partly because I didn’t feel that I was a worthwhile human being unless I was being of service to the Earth or to others. I felt unwanted, unlovable, and unsafe interacting with the world. I hid who I really was behind the work-a-holic, super achiever. This helped me cope, but it didn’t lead to happiness. It led to a lot of seclusion and ultimately depression when I finally faced the fact that success meant nothing.

Since that realisation I have done a lot of soul searching and reprogramming of my subconscious beliefs to know that I am lovable, I am good enough, I am wanted and worthwhile. This helped and for the last few years I have focused more on honouring myself and living a simple life. I have only worked part time and I haven’t focused on achieving very much at all. I live in the country surrounded by nature and I grow my own vegies, collect fire wood for our wood heater and compost our food scraps. This way of living makes my heart sing. I am at peace amongst nature and in the quietude of life. But too much isolation isn’t healthy either! Too much isolation leads to loneliness and eventually depression.

So now I’m venturing back out into the world and aiming to have balance between working and living simply. It is an interesting process watching the old stuff come up and being grateful that I can just lovingly dismiss it. I am not hooked by it. I don’t have to achieve. I don’t have to ‘save’ anyone or anything. It is okay for me to relax and enjoy life. It is okay for me to play and let people close. It is okay for me to love and follow my heart. It is okay for me to marry and have a baby. It has taken a long time to reach this place of peace. There has been lots of resistance, lots of grief and lots of fear. A big part of me would prefer to hide forever and keep people at a distance. But not my heart. My heart wants to love fully and deeply, to honour all who I come in contact with, including myself. I know now it is okay to be me. That it is enough and that it is all I need to do. It’s time to enjoy life and being me!!

Snippets of wisdom….

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Conscious Evolution, Healing from child abuse, Personal Development

Snippets of wisdom channeled June 2013.

You went through what was needed to get you to God and it worked. Now you must live in both worlds.

You are second guessing the Divine and that is always pointless.

Just because you can’t see how it is going to work out, doesn’t mean it won’t. You are required to trust and have faith.

Sometimes it is tempting to question what the hell is going on here on Earth. I mean, seriously, do we have to go through so much pain and suffering? Do we have to become so lost in despair before we can find peace and happiness? The answer, for me, is yes. If life was all rosy and easy then we wouldn’t turn to God for help, we wouldn’t surrender to a higher power. We would live simply from the ego fulfilling our every desire and focused on achieving more, having more pleasure, and getting more material stuff. This is true for a lot of people. There may be some saints out there who go beyond the ego level without suffering first, but they are far and few in between.

It is often the case that people only open up to a higher purpose in life once they have hit rock bottom. Once they have tried all that they can do to heal themselves or lift themselves up out of the painful situation that they are in. It is when we fall to our knees in desperation and we call out to a God we may not even believe in or believe can help us, that we start to surrender, that we start to separate from the ego and to embrace a new possibility.

For me, and many I know, it was my pain that caused me to open to a wider version of life than I ever knew was possible. I embraced personal growth, spirituality and eventually God. I reveled in the peace, the love, the joy that was found in such communities. The safe space that was created when wounded but loving people joined together in search of healing and happiness. I LOVED THIS! But I embraced it so much I stopped interacting in the real world. I lost focus on my career, on life. All I wanted to do was healing type activities and spend time with healing focused people. I lost balance. I lived in my higher chakras and not my lower chakras.

To be truly healthy we need to live in both worlds, to interact with all people and to spread love where ever we go. It doesn’t matter what your job is, you can spread love with those you interact with – be it just a smile, a kind word, a listening ear. You can positively impact all that you come in contact with, just by being YOU, just by being patient, kind and loving. That is being of service. You don’t have to go live in an ashram or give up all your material possessions. You just need balance – a foot in each world. We are spiritual beings in human bodies living an Earthly life.

Snippets of wisdom….

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Conscious Evolution, Healing from child abuse, Personal Development

Snippets of wisdom channeled June 2013.

Follow your intuition, when it guides you to something but otherwise just BE, turn within – the answers you seek are there.

Don’t force yourself to do anything. Wait until you want to do something then do it.

This advice was given to me by my higher self when I was struggling to do what I felt I needed to do. I felt overburdened emotionally and physically with my to do list. Spirit advised me to be kind to myself, to not force myself to keep doing, doing, doing. This has been one of my biggest patterns this lifetime – I value work and achieving and have seen resting as foolish and lazy. Of course keeping busy means you don’t have to feel the emotions building inside, you can keep shoving them down until of course they explode! Not an effective coping mechanism in the long run.

I find it hard to shut off if I have something I feel I need to do. But I have followed my higher self’s advice often enough to know it is true. If I force myself to mark those assignments or do that task which I don’t really feel like doing, I end up doing it but it s hard work, I’m resentful and exhausted by it. Whereas if I trust that I don’t feel like it for a reason, if I go off and read a book, go for a walk, or call a friend – if I honour my needs first – then sure enough a time does come when I am willing to do the task and I can now do it from a place of love and joy. Sometimes it seems like time is running out, but the task always gets done. A burst of energy comes when needed. I am learning to trust this process and surrender into grace, into God’s timing not my timing.

Snippets of wisdom…..

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Conscious Evolution, Healing from child abuse

Snippets of wisdom channeled April 2013.

You judged, feared, panicked and it was not necessary. God will always take care of you and provide what you need.

You are struggling because you resist what is.

You are not broken and you don’t need fixing. You forget that when you feel blue. Remember you are perfect as you are.

Expect less, enjoy more…

When you’ve hit rock bottom, here’s what to do….

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Healing from child abuse, Health, Self help techniques, Uncategorized

Here is a short video, 11:22 mins, of Jessica Ortner (from The Tapping Solution) interviewing Sonia Ricotti (author of the book Unsinkable). It is a fabulous summary of what to do when you feel like you have hit rock bottom and you are stuck. Sonia reminds us that fighting ‘what is’ leads to negative emotions and keeps us caught in our story, our interpretation and judgement of the events. Instead she encourages us to accept ‘what is’ and ‘surrender’. When you do this you allow yourself  to feel and release any emotions around the situation. This creates more space inside you, which enables peace and clarity. From here you can start to see what actions you could take to help yourself move forward.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=c-sQqb_mrMk]

Steps for helping an alcoholic

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Healing from child abuse, Health

The below is advice from Al-anon on how to help an alcoholic:

  1. Learn all the facts and put them to work in your own life. Don’t start with the alcoholic
  2. Attend AA meetings, Al-Anon meetings and if possible go to a mental health clinic, alcoholism information centre or to a competent counsellor or minister who has had experience in this field
  3. Remember you are emotionally involved. Changing your attitude and approach to the problem can speed up recovery.
  4. Encourage all beneficial activities of the alcoholic and cooperate in making them possible
  5. Learn that love cannot exist without compassion, discipline and justice, and to accept love or give it without these qualities is to destroy it eventually.

It is easier to find a list of don’ts in dealing with alcoholics for it is easier to understand why you fail than to know why you succeed. The following list is not inclusive but it makes a good beginning.

  1. Don’t lecture, moralise, scold, blame, threaten, argue when drunk or sober, pour out liquor, lose your temper or cover up the consequences of drinking. You may feel better but the situation will be worse.
  2. Don’t lose your temper and thereby destroy yourself and any possibility of help
  3. Don’t allow your anxiety to compel you to do what the alcoholic must do for him or her self
  4. Don’t accept promises, for this is just a method of postponing pain. In the same way don’t keep switching agreements. If an agreement is made stick to it.
  5. Don’t allow the alcoholic to lie to you and accept it for the truth for in so doing you encourage this process. The truth is often painful, but get at it.
  6. Don’t let the alcoholic outsmart you for this teaches him to avoid responsibility and lose respect for you at the same time
  7. Don’t let the alcoholic exploit you or take advantage of you for in so doing you become an accomplice in the evasion of responsibility.
  8. Lastly don’t try to follow this as a rule book. It is simply a guide to be used with intelligence and evaluation. If at all possible attend Al-Anon meetings and seek good professional help. You need this therapy as well as the alcoholic.
  9. Above all, don’t put off facing the reality that alcoholism is a progressive illness that gets increasingly worse as drinking continues. Start now to learn, to understand and to plan for recovery. To do nothing is the worst choice you can make.

(Information from Al-anon Family Groups, 1987, A guide for the family of the alcoholic, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, New York p14-15)

Creating self-forgiving thoughts exercise

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Healing from child abuse, Self help techniques, Uncategorized

This exercise helps you to learn how to talk nicely to yourself when you do something you’re not very happy with yourself about. Instead of criticising yourself it shows you how to think self-forgiving thoughts. You don’t need to scold or punish yourself when you do something in a lesser way than you’d like. You can actually choose to be compassionate to yourself instead – it’s up to you!!

In this exercise, you create a set of columns and rows – a matrix (as outlined below). Then you use this matrix to reorient your thoughts and feelings from self-attacking thoughts to self-forgiving thoughts. An example showing how the process works is included below.

Here is the format:

Distressing Situation

Distressing Feelings

Self-Attacking Thoughts

Self-Forgiving Thoughts

Example

A few seconds ago, I knocked a cup of coffee onto my computer. For me, that counts as a distressing situation. Therefore, it’s a good experience to plug into the matrix. Here is how I began to fill in the boxes.

Distressing Situation

Distressing Feelings

Self-Attacking Thoughts

Self-Forgiving Thoughts

I spilled my coffee onto my computer

Frustration

Guilt

Nervousness

In the first column, I simply describe the situation. In the second column, I make a list of some of my feelings: in this case, frustration (with myself), guilt (about my mistake), and nervousness (about the repercussions of the situation). I find it helpful to make this feeling list. By naming our specific feelings, we bring them up into awareness. We take ourselves out of denial. We reduce the tendency to ‘squash things down’.

Next, we use our feelings to move on to the underlying thoughts. The relationship between feelings and thoughts is like the relationship between smoke and fire. Distressing feelings are the smoke. Distressing thoughts are the fires that give rise to the smoke. In this case, where there’s smoke, there is fire – where there are distressing feelings, there are distressing thoughts underneath. In column three, we uncover the thoughts that are fuelling the feelings. Here is what I came up with.

Distressing Situation

Distressing Feelings

Self-Attacking Thoughts

Self-Forgiving Thoughts

I spilled my coffee onto my computer

Frustration

Guilt

Nervousness

That was such a dumb thing to do. I should be more careful. My computer is probably going to break now, and it’s all my fault. I’ll probably have to pay a lot of money to fix it. People are going to laugh at me if they see how careless I am.

As you can see, I uncovered three sets of self-attacking thoughts in column three. I probably could have come up with many more – but these were a good start. Writing them out in the matrix was extremely helpful. To be honest, I wasn’t even aware of these thoughts until I wrote them out. As I filled in this third column, the key was to realise that my feelings (in column two) were coming from my thoughts (in column three), not simply from the situation. You could say that the situation was a ‘trigger’ for the thoughts. I’m certainly not glad that I spilled coffee on my computer. But it was the thoughts that I needed to work on now.

Let’s move to column four – the heart of this exercise. In the final column of the matrix, you substitute self-forgiving thoughts for each of the self-attacking thoughts in column three. This is the big step. This turns the mind from self-criticism to self-forgiveness; from distress to peace. As you do this, you can focus on simply moving in the right direction. You don’t have to take a huge leap into complete forgiveness; you can take a series of little steps. Every bit of progress is helpful. Here is what I came up with, as I made this substitution.

Distressing Situation

Distressing Feelings

Self-Attacking Thoughts

Self-Forgiving Thoughts

I spilled my coffee onto my computer

Frustration

Guilt

Nervousness

That was such a dumb thing to do. I should be more careful. My computer is probably going to break now, and it’s all my fault. I’ll probably have to pay a lot of money to fix it. People are going to laugh at me if they see how careless I am.

It wasn’t a dumb thing to do; it was simply an accident; And besides – my worth isn’t dependent on how ‘careful’ I am. Actually the computer seems fine. But even if I do need to repair the computer, I can do that in a self-forgiving state of mind. If people laugh at me, that’s their problem. Everyone makes mistakes at times.

Those self-forgiving thoughts may not have been the ‘highest’ thoughts in the world, but they helped me to shift my mind toward a more self-forgiving space. As I did that, the feelings of frustration, guilt, and nervousness were replaced – to some degree – by a greater sense of peace and self-acceptance. That is the goal of this exercise.

I find that this ‘cognitive restructuring’ work – replacing self-attacking thoughts with self-forgiving thoughts – is like priming a pump. We locate our self-attacking thoughts, and replace them with self-forgiving thoughts. We do this mechanical work over and over until the flow of loving, forgiving thoughts begins to run on its own. There is some work to do at the beginning, but we’re simply preparing our minds to receive the divine flow.

Conclusion:

Use this exercise whenever you catch yourself thinking self-attacking thoughts. Change them into self-forgiving thoughts. Over time you will find that your thinking automatically becomes self-forgiving whenever you do anything you are not 100% happy with yourself about. It will eventually become habit.

(This exercise comes from: Joseph D, 2004, The Matrix, Living Now, September 2004, Queensland issue 66, p22)

Your turn

Distressing Situation

Distressing Feelings

Self-Attacking Thoughts

Self-Forgiving Thoughts

Personal bill of rights

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Healing from child abuse, Self help techniques, Uncategorized

Put this page in a place you’ll see it regularly. By taking the time to carefully read through the list every day, you will learn to accept that you are entitled to each one of the rights listed. Whenever a thought occurs that contradicts one of your rights, stop the thought process & correct yourself, saying “I know that’s what I used to think, but I now know & accept that I have the right to …………”. In time, you will come to know your rights off by heart & if anyone behaves in a way that infringes upon them this knowledge will help you to know their action is inappropriate & you can then stand up for yourself & your rights.

  1. I have the right to ask for what I want.
  2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.
  3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
  4. I have the right to change my mind.
  5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
  6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
  7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
  8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
  9. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behaviour, actions, feelings, or problems.
  10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
  11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
  12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
  13. I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid”.
  14. I have the right to say “I don’t know”.
  15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behaviour.
  16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
  17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
  18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
  19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
  20. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
  21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
  22. I have the right to change and grow.
  23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
  24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
  25. I have the right to be happy.

 (From: Bourne E, 2000,The anxiety & phobia workbook, 3rd edition, New Harbinger Publications Inc. Canada)

If you are a parent in an alcohol affected home…

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Healing from child abuse, Health, Parenting

If you are a parent in an alcohol affected home:

  • Be flexible regarding the demands you make on yourself and your children, remembering that problematic situations call for adaptable measures
  • Try not to isolate yourself and your family from outside interaction or from interaction within your home
  • Do not blame your children for wanting to get help
  • The alcoholic is not to be excused from parenting
  • Avoid pressuring your children either verbally or with your actions, to take sides in conflicts you have with your spouse
  • Avoid using the opinions of your children about the use of alcohol or the alcoholic parent to get at the alcoholic
  • When the home situation is excessively disruptive or verbally abusive and your children go off to be alone, seek them out and comfort them
  • Avoid placing your oldest child in the position of being a confidant or surrogate parent to replace your spouse as a parent.
  • Encourage and support your children to become involved in school and community activities
  • Try to arrange times for your children to have their friends visit regularly
  • Avoid exacting promises from your children that they will never drink
  • Avoid constantly asking your children if you should leave your spouse
  • Educate yourself about alcoholism and community resources
  • Become involved in community resources or self help groups for family members of alcoholics
  • If you alcoholic spouse seeks help, try to become involved as a family in the treatment process
  • Do not dwell on the past, learn from it
  • Use alternatives and new endeavours, not old habits
  • Stop doing what you do not do (start being a positive parent)
  • Take care of yourself and get help NOW.

From: Robert Ackerman, 1987, Children of alcoholics – a guide for parents, educators, and therapists, Fireside, Simon & Schuster