Tag: relationships

What constitutes a healthy relationship?

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Conscious Evolution, Relationships

A healthy relationship is one in which both parties attain greater wisdom and self awareness. This occurs through using all situations to reflect on their conditioning and subconscious beliefs. The beloved is a mirror to your consciousness showing you your areas for growth and insight. Each triggers the other to provide them with the opportunity to heal and grow together towards the light and God-likeness.

It is a dance of growth, a sharing, a connected togetherness. It is not a clingy we, but a grander version of you and I. Together they dance and sing through life helping each other to grow. They share their insights, their feelings and dreams. They share their inner most thoughts and have no fear of rejection as they know the other does the same, and together they look after each others vulnerability. You hold my hand and I hold yours. I choose to be here for you and you choose to be here for me too.

It is a mutual reciprocity of love and acceptance. They see each others potential for growth and improvement, but rather than judge harshly, they love who the person is now and see them expanding/evolving into their authentic self. They love the person fully which enables the other to feel safe enough to be themselves. They let their defenses down and can be in touch with their heart, their true authentic self and become that in the world.

It is an honoring of two souls who have come together to share and learn. There may be challenges, but they are seen as an opportunity for reflection and growth, to get to know the inner workings of each other at a new level.

These relationships are common, not rare. However they are often overlooked as too easy or simple. We have been conditioned as human beings to look for Mr Right / Mrs Right, the perfect one to meet all our needs and rescue us from our life. Prince Charming and Cinderella type stories. But this is not love, this is not real life. For that type of rescuing does not help you grow. It is an unhealthy relationship where the Prince is a pseudo-parent figure taking responsibility and the damsel in distress stays a weak, dependent child. That is not an example of a healthy relationship.

A better example would be Hansel and Gretel who are not needy, but co-exist, they live together and grow together day by day. I hear you all shouting but they are brother and sister. Yes, these relationships that support growth can be siblings or friends. It doesn’t have to be just romantic partnerships. Let go of the fantasy of romance. It is fine as a concept, but know that it fades, know that as you get to know your partner you will see things you don’t like. It is meant to be that way. The honeymoon phase of the relationship has to end for the true inner work to happen.

When you are pushing each others buttons that is when insight can occur. You can reflect on when else in life have you felt that same way. You may realise your parents treated you in a similar manner and you adopted a belief about yourself as a result. If you no longer want to attract that same kind of treatment change your belief about yourself and what you will attract will change. Learn to set boundaries and speak your truth about how you do want to be treated and make sure you are treating yourself that way. Do you really love and respect yourself? Do you meet your own emotional needs? Do you take care of yourself well? If you don’t it is madness to expect someone else will.

Do your inner work to heal and find peace and your life will be much more peaceful and balanced. There are many ways to centre and ground yourself to go within, to connect with your heart and inner guidance. One way I have found particuarly useful at clearing out stress, tension and trauma so that I can sit in stillness and listen within for my truth and guidance is Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE). It helps to move your body out of reactivity – anger, fear – back down into calm relating where it is easier to connect with others heart to heart.

A healthy relationship is one where each party takes responsibility for healing their own issues and meet together in wholeness.

They don’t judge or project their stuff onto each other. Instead they share what they have learned and give thanks for the support they give to each other. They thank God for their lives and the chance to evolve and grow. They stay open to change knowing life will guide them forward to higher and higher levels of growth and service to the whole.

They are interdependent, capable of being on their own, but choosing to be together. There is no neediness or dependency, and if a time comes when one decides to go their separate ways, they celebrate what they have shared and walk away without regrets. They know each will find the next person they are to learn and grow with when the time is right. There are no guaranteed commitments for life. Couples stay together while they have more to learn from each other. When the learning is done they may go their separate ways. There is no fear of this, just trust and love.

For a healthy person knows they will always be connected energetically to their loved ones no matter how far they roam and it is their connection with them self and God that really counts. Those are the true, permanent commitments and they are the only ones you need. Blessed BE. Amen.

By Jodi-Anne (18 June 2015).

Further free guidance on healing techniques and self love are available on the Life Insights and HEALING FROM CHILD ABUSE pages of this website.

Why is divorce so common?

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Personal Development, Relationships

Divorce occurs when two people lose their heart connection, their openness and willingness to be vulnerable with each other. They no longer feel safe enough, held enough, to express their truth. Fears and judgements come in and walls or defensive barriers come up, creating distance between them.

It is like they are on opposite sides of the room unable to touch and unable to find their way back to each other. For some this leads to sadness and despair. For others, it leads to anger and rejection. They push the partner further away in the false belief that it makes them safer, less vulnerable if they are creating the distance.

Usually, the love for each other isn’t actually lost. It’s just hidden away behind all of the emotional hurts and disappointments, the sense of loss and failure, the sense of not being enough, of having been naive to believe in the other person and your relationship.

Basically, grief takes over and becomes the dominant feeling. If a person doesn’t know how to process their grief and keep their heart open then they may drop into anger, rage, resentment or into collapse, depression, shut-down, numbness or they may escape literally leaving or fleeing in their mind dissociating from it all, pretending it’s not happening or distracting themself with addictions and other distractions.

If they could talk openly, genuinely, about how they feel and what had led to the distance between them, then they may find their way back to their heart-felt connection, their love for each other, but many don’t do this. They simply part not realising their love for each other is still there deep within.

It is a really painful process to let go of that which you’ve loved and treasured most deeply in your life. Devastating for the partners and even worse for the kids.

Before separating it is worth doing whatever you can to find your way back to your heart, to your truth and to speak openly and honestly with your partner. At least then you know you have done all that you can. If your partner isn’t willing to open up, to hear you, to speak their truth, then there’s not much you can do. Sending them love, doing loving things for them can help, but you may not be able to do this due to your own hurt.

Basically, we are wanting to soften the defence mechanisms, to bridge the distance between you, to bring you back closer together. This requires both parties to be willing to look within, to feel and to heal. It is vulnerable to do this, especially when you’re already feeling hurt.

Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) can help to shift some of the tension and stress you’re experiencing. It can help you release some of the contraction, the trauma so that you can access your heart again, your body’s wisdom and intuitive guidance. It can help you both to meet and talk from the heart, rather than from the head and ego.

TRE is well worth doing alongside self-reflection and other healing activities. These can be done on your own or under the support of a counsellor or TRE provider to assist you to find more balance, more calm and to be able to access a deeper level of knowing what you need to do next as guided by your inner self, your true essence. That will guide you more effectively than the mind and its’ ego judgements.

Divorce is not inevitable. It’s a choice people make when they see no other way forward together. Make sure you have explored all possibilities for reconnection before divorcing so you don’t have regrets or what-if questioning later on. You know in your heart what you want most. Take the risk to listen within and follow your heart’s guidance.

If after doing all this it is clear it is time to part then do so with ease, with grace, knowing that whatever and whoever is in line with your highest good will come when the time is right.

You may need to be alone for some time to heal, to start to open up and take risks again before you will be willing to let someone close. Honour your needs.

Divorce is common because it is an easy option when two people no longer feel in love. What they don’t realise is their relationship was bound to fail if they expected the other person to complete them and make them happy. That is impossible. Each has to complete themselves, find inner peace and happiness within themselves. Then two whole people can come together and share with each other, supporting each other’s continual growth. They can share their joy and love as it is overflowing from each other.

When couples join from a needy space, a space of I’m lacking something and I hope you will fix it, it doesn’t work. Temporarily it will seem to work, that your prayers have been answered, but it is false illusion. Eventually, the rose-tinted glasses will fade and you will judge the other person as not good enough, as problematic. When in reality they are fine. You are just projecting your own unfinished business onto them. You feel not good enough, so you project it out and judge them as that too. When you love and accept yourself completely it is easy to love and accept others too.

You don’t judge them as you recognise it is none of your business what the other person does. You don’t control them because you are not needy and your happiness doesn’t depend on what they do. You could walk away easily but you don’t because you enjoy watching the other grow and you don’t take their actions personally. You know what they do is a reflection of their inner workings and if you get triggered it shows you something inside yourself to heal/process. So you see challenge/conflict as a gift that leads you to more wholeness. You are teaching each other about self through your interactions and helping each other to grow. so the relationship and your love spirals upwards, positive growth to infinity, to Source connectedness.

Those that couple from a needy space spiral downwards into dark, murky depths of inner pain. The other doesn’t respond the way they want. They take it personally and take it as confirmation that they are not good enough, worthy or lovable. They blame the other for their pain instead of taking responsibility to heal their wounds. This escalates ultimately into separation and divorce and unfortunately repeating the pattern over and over if each doesn’t learn from their mistakes. Yes, their choices, not just the others choices.

It is up to each of us to take responsibility for our baggage and clear it up. Otherwise, we will never have a peaceful journey. Time alone allows the inner reflection and insight, awareness to dawn. It is good to have time being single then you can cling to your true partner – your heavenly father – who loves you just as you are. It is this love, this connection that you have been craving and fearing due to your many false beliefs about God and life.

Life truly can be fun and enjoyable if you heal your wounds and let the light in. Become whole in yourself then you don’t need another. Having someone as your partner is a bonus, not a necessity, and if they go it is okay as you know the next person destined to help you grow further will come when the time is right. You can not miss him/her. It is destined from before you were born. You made an agreement to meet at a certain time in your lives and share the journey together, supporting each other to grow, to know God, self and others as whole and complete.

This is the purpose of relationship, to help us evolve into loving, kind, compassionate beings who honour each other and share love and light with humanity. So be it. Amen.

By Jodi-Anne (12 June 2015).

Further free guidance on healing techniques and self love are available on the Life Insights and Healing from child abuse pages of this website.

Why many relationships fail – lack of energetic linkage

by Dr. Jodi-Anne M Smith, posted in Parenting, Personal Development, Uncategorized

I love the Voice Dialogue work of Hal and Sidra Stone. In this short video they are explaining how many relationships end when the partners have not maintained ‘energetic linkage’ with each other. At the start of a relationship we feel ‘connected’ very strongly and it is that connection that feeds the relationship and keeps it strong.

If either partner moves the majority of their energetic focus elsewhere the connection withers and eventually dies. This happens quite commonly when one partner may get focused more on work or a hobby. The majority of their attention is focused on that and not on the relationship, so the partners start to feel less close. Over time they drift apart until they no longer feel any connection with each other.  It is very sad when this happens.

There does not necessarily need to be conflict, it is just a loss of connection and closeness. A common time when this occurs is with the birth of the first child. The wife may focus the majority of her attention on the child and the husband can feel left out. Not understanding why he feels sad or alone he may focus his time and energy on his work, his car, a hobby e.g. the Ipad / computer or start an affair to get the emotional connection from another source.

Sadly many people don’t talk about the growing void in the relationship, the feeling of loss or disconnection. Perhaps, they don’t want to risk acknowledging their vulnerability or they may try to do so but feel unheard. They then shut down further, turning their focus elsewhere. It is common for a woman to focus her energy and time on the kids or with her girlfriends. These provide her with the nourishment she had been missing, but it reinforces the energetic connection with them and not the partner. If the relationship is to survive the main energetic connection needs to be with the partner.

It doesn’t take a lot of time or effort to keep your energetic linkage strong – just take a few minutes each day to connect emotionally, to look into each others’ eyes and really be present with each other. Talk from the heart sharing what you are going through. Once a week or so go out and do something together that you both enjoy. The more you nurture the connection the stronger it will be. Even just holding the intent for their to be a strong connection helps – it reverberates out and the other will feel it energetically.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Fhn2bGY66So]